Douchism for Dummies!

This is a very special post. Today I have guest blogger. That's right! Someone actually reads my blog and was willing to contribute his own thoughts. It’s an old friend of mine, Nick Hubbard. Nick and I are friends from a simpler time in life when we were both probably a lot nicer (despite what Nick may tell you). My how things have changed…

Nick is going to share with us some insights on douche bags, specifically how to be one. Of course, there is a wide difference between being a jerk and being a douche bag- maybe we’ll talk about that sometime- but in the meantime I hope you’ll enjoy Nick’s post as much as I did! I have asked Nick to include a quick jerk bio to help you understand what kind of a jerk he is. So without further adieu - Nick!!

Thank you Eileen for the opportunity to guest blog for you!

My name is Nick Hubbard and I'm a jerk. I've been a jerk my whole life except for maybe my first waking breaths until I figured out I wasn't in my mother's womb anymore. My jerkiness manifests itself in the form of extreme cynicism so I guess you could say I'm more of a "glass broken on the floor with spilled Mountain Dew all over the floor and a mess to clean up" sort of guy. I would say that the "jerk" gene is a mutated form of the "ass-hole" gene which is our family's version of male pattern baldness. One time in high school a girl asked me why I was such a jerk. I told her I didn't know. She never talked to me again. True story. There you have it. I'm a jerk and proud of it!

Now, let's get down to business!

Today's entry is on how to be a douche bag! No, I am not referring to the kind that you buy at the pharmacy, although some of the similarities are quite striking. So yes, I'm talking about the brand of douche that makes us all wish we could be as cool as he thinks he is.

Just to be clear, I will be using douche and douche bag interchangeably, although I concede to the point that there are varying yet subtle differences such as being a Yankee's fan vs. a Raider's fan.

The number one thing you gotta have in order to be a first class doucher is a bad attitude. Cynicism won't cut it here. It's all about you. You always control the conversation by projecting your misguided and selfish outlook. You consistently 1-up every accomplishment and you resent and make fun of everyone who comes up short of your glory. Any threat to your status is worthy of a stare down of maximum proportions. Making a scene in front of lots of people is always good too, especially when you're making an example of someone else or making yourself look waaaay better than everyone else.

You have a job or family money, but you want to go back to school, or maybe you're in school but you are sort of "in between majors." You're just waiting for the right opportunity because it hasn't happened yet for the last 6 years since high school.

In order to fit in with your newly founded douch-a-Rama of a self you must also quit showering and wear excess amounts of Axe body spray. This way, you will definitely be a hit with the ladies because who can resist the odor of a French whore house with overtones of grotesque body odor?! Don't discard all your toiletries however, as a quick shower every now and again never hurt anyone, except maybe your ego because you had to actually do something today, instead of playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live with a bunch of 12-year olds. You will need to shave maybe once every 2 weeks and then hide from everyone until your stubble starts to show. This is an important image you're trying to project, so attention to every detail of self-indulgent laziness is a must. Trimming your beard into a pencil beard is always fun too.

Now this brings us to attire. A tricky subject because while your personal hygiene will suffer, you have to make it look like you take care of yourself. Therefore, always buy the most expensive, oversized, designer clothes, preferably with illegible corporate logos stitched or silk-screened onto your pants and shirts. While around the house, wear nothing but dirty wife beaters and pajama pants or boxers. See, the idea here is to not wear your expensive clothes to get them dirty around the house, which by the way is a complete disaster because you're too cool to clean up. Now your wardrobe must have New York Yankees attire. To epitomize the stereotype, you need to get at least one (preferably more), mint condition stiff brimmed Yankees baseball cap with original tags and stickers. Your shoes should be white and absolutely perfect. If they get scuffed, throw them away and steal or buy another pair. Your attire will scream "Hey look! I'm a douche!!"

Your vehicle is the ultimate compensation for your lack of self awareness. More is more and bigger is better when it comes to your transportation. Your vehicle should be a late-model jacked up pickup truck with a 6+ inch lift and huge off-road tires. Now who in their right mind would get this $50,000 beaut dirty?! You got it, not you! Therefore, at all costs you must keep your most prized possession free from dirt and dust by having it detailed every waking chance so you can pick up all the hot chicks at the local bar scene. Take no intention in taking this king of the road off asphalt, as too much of your Dad's hard earned money went into creating the monstrosity that it is. Go ahead and wear those $600 tires (each) out in 6 months by driving like a maniac on the interstate while supporting your community gas station at 8 miles per gallon and sucking down Red Bull like it's Red Bull.

Lastly, your company says a lot about you. You should always "hang out" and "chill" whenever possible to avoid actually doing something useful. Your friends share the same "I don't give a flying *expletive*) attitude as you, but since you're on the same wavelength, everything's cool unless you're out of beer. In that case, send your smokin' hot girlfriend to the convenient store for some Bud Light and Heineken. Also, don't forget to treat your loved ones like doormats. They seems to always love that.

There you have it! How to be a douche bag. Of course, being a douche bag isn't limited to the scope of this entry, and there are thousands of ways you can be a more douche-baggery you. Just get creative by stealing others' ideas on how to look and act cool so the rest of the world can see how respected you really are!

That's it for today! Special thanks to Nick for the awesome post, it was filled with jerky goodness. If you have any thoughts about today's post or about douche bags, let's hear them. Leave a comment!