Why I hate my generation: Alfred Hitchcock

This is a rant. If you don't want to hear my completely biased and overly harsh judgments of the complete strangers I saw tonight then please feel free not to read further.

Tonight I went to see TCM's special 50th Anniversary screening of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds at a local movie theatre. I went with my sister Kelsey who is also a classic film enthusiast and has a great appreciation for Alfred Hitchcock. If you don't know going into this that Alfred Hitchcock is one of the greatest directors in the history of film and is the King of Suspense, then you should stop reading now. You should also probably not mention your ignorance of this to me, as it may alter our friendship.

The movie theatre was mostly empty, and we got excellent seats. The film itself was everything we remembered, and we loved it! Well worth paying $11.50 to see it on the big screen. Since it was a small crowd, I naturally assumed we were in the company of other connoisseurs. As it turned out, we were in the presence of Philistines.

Without spoiling the plot for you (in case this post has somehow inspired you enjoy the classic for the first time yourself) I believe I may say that the movie ends on a bit cliff hanger. Once the movie ended, we learned that apparently many of the people in the theatre had not seen it before, because they didn't know that it was over. Don't ask me why any of those people (who apparently had no appreciation for classic film as you will soon see) paid $11.50 to see this movie for the first time. People seemed disappointed, and confused as to whether or not it was over. Hint: When a movie shows the Studio's logo and then the screen goes black after a movie - it's over. And since this is a classic movie, there are no gag reels, no fake endings, no credits - we saw those in the beginning of the film, remember? One dear, dimwitted lady even went to the trouble of fetching one of the theatre workers to see if there was something wrong with the movie because she was certain it couldn't be over. She was, of course, wrong.... and stupid.

Far worse though, were the people who actually had the nerve to complain about the movie. To cast derisive judgments on the Alfred Hitchcock's Oscar nominated masterpiece of film! It's brilliant! It does just what a suspense movie is supposed to do, it keeps you on the edge of your seat, it keeps you guessing - even at the end. Does it move slower than today's cookie cutter horror and action films? Yes, you spend a lot of time waiting - that's what SUSPENSE means! Idiots! I'm sorry that you were raised in the age of instant gratification and have not the patience, nor the intelligence to appreciate something that isn't spoon fed to you and coated in cine-candy. 

Granted, parts of the movie are a bit outdated, or maybe even laughable. It was made in 1963 and has phenomenal effects considering the limited technology available during production. Also, there is intentional humour because Hitchcock, like all great film makers, knows that some relief is necessary in a suspense. But the whole thing is brilliantly done. The brilliance is apparently somehow lost on the morons of my generation.

One particularly obtuse young woman laughed at the end, and in a befuddled tone said, "What? Well I guess the moral is now I know what to do if birds attack. *giggle, *giggle." 

Someone should tell her:

1. That's not what a moral is. 

2. You're an idiot!

What was she even doing there? When we heard her talking after the movie Kelsey and I had to fight back the urge to get up in her face. When you insult the genius of Alfred Hitchcock, you incur the wrath of Dobbins. I had to pull Kelsey back and keep telling her to walk away. That hooker is lucky that we didn't have a flock of birds to unleash on her!

This is why I am very selective of the company I bring with me to an event like this. I don't cast my pearls before swine! If I had invited a friend to this movie and they didn't appreciate the brilliance of it, our friendship would simply NOT have been the same. If you can't appreciate film that has stood the test of time and remains as relevant and scintillating today as the day it was made, it's better that you not tell me. Because once I know that, I can't value your taste any longer. I can respect you as a person, but things will never be the same between us. 

I think I've said enough. If any of you are still reading I hope you are not offended, but even more I hope you are not a stupid Philistine!

PS - During the movie one person clapped. I glared at them in the dark and cursed them under my breath, but afterwards I forgave them because at least THEY were appreciating what they were watching.

How to Make Enemies: At the Movie Theatre.

Are you tired of trying to make friends and ready to make some enemies? Have you ever wished for more opportunities to offend people? If so, this new segment of the blog is intended especially for jerks like you. I am calling it "How to Make Enemies", and each "How to Make Enemies" portion will provide helpful tips for jerkness in day to day life. Today we are focusing on movie etiquette, in particular, how to make people hate you while watching a movie in the theatre.

Talking
This one should be fairly obvious, but it's worth discussing just the same. People HATE it when you talk during movies. It's rude, it's selfish, it's obnoxious, and it's sure to win you some enemies. This is particularly effective in the theatre where those around have actually paid their hard earned cash to watch. If you persist on talking through the movie (even after being hushed) you can be pretty confident that your neighbors will be wishing your immediate demise before the end of the feature.

Babies
Of course, there is always the chance that you will not be able to generate enough noise to be sufficiantly annoying on your own, in which case I recommend bringing along a baby (if you have one handy). You may certainly depend upon a baby soiling itself, and crying during a long, and loud movie. Your neighbors will appreciate neither the aroma, nor the commotion. If you're lucky there's a good chance that the baby is going to be miffed with you as well.

Phones
If you want to make a genuine ass out of yourself at a movie theatre then what could be more fitting than to ignore the 20 different warnings shown on the big screen right before you movie starts? Go ahead, leave your phone on, feel free to text! Your lack of common courtesy will be completely undefendable. Now THAT is a 1st class jerk move.

Kicking Back
Movies are long, so naturally you want to be comfortable. If you want to be comfortable during a movie then some would say that the obvious solution is to stay at home. For those of us to prefer to take the road less traveled, the solution is to kick back in the theatre as if it were our home. We spread out and put our feet up on the seat in front of us. This move is guaranteed to make the people seated in front of you absolutely loathe you, and also potentially get you in trouble with the theatre staff (happened to a friend of mine).


Up & Down / Musical Chairs
If none of the above tips have proven irritating enough to alienate your fellow movie goers then I have one sure-fire tip left for you: move around! Get up, sit down, get up again. Change seats, make countless bathroom trips (more than once per feature). It's nearly as disruptive for your neighbors as it is for you, and is sure to have them cursing you under their breath.

Bonus Irritant: Clapping
This apparently only annoys me, but you could also perform the senseless and obnoxious act of clapping after or during the movie. Clapping? Why clap for a movie? It's not like the performers can HEAR you. Who exactly are you clapping for??

In conclusion, it is my hope that you have found these ideas helpful in your quest for jerkship, and that you will be able to make many, many enemies. Stay tuned for more ways to make enemies.