I hate Santa movies.

I hate Santa movies. I love Christmas. I love giving gifts. I love traditions. I love Christmas stories. I hate Santa movies!!

I know it makes me sound Grinchy, but I just don't care. I like a good Christmas movie but Santa movies are just so stupid. I'll tell you what the problem is, they are all the same. SPOILER ALERT - I am about to tell you the basic plot of pretty much every Santa movie you have ever seen or will ever see.

The Santa Plot:
After many years of faithful service Santa is getting ready to retire and needs to find a permanent replacement, enter the proposed new Santa who is unwilling but changes his mind just in time to deliver the toys on Christmas Eve OR it's Christmas Eve and Santa has for some reason been incapacitated (perhaps most enjoyably in Ernest Saves Christmas which is a combination of the two plots) and someone needs to fill in for him and save Christmas.

Aside from the lack of originality, I have a couple major issues with these plots. Being Christian, I am not a fan of what a flood of movies featuring a fat man giving delivering gifts as the lynch pin and sole purpose of the the Christmas holiday does for commercialism.

Even if you are not Christian there is a lot in the Christmas season that you can respect and enjoy. There's a focus on generosity, on love, on service. These are all good things, regardless of what your beliefs are. Of course, if children don't have lots of new presents to open on December 25th then Christmas is ruined, right? WRONG! What the hell kind of message is that anyway?? These movies offer no value, unlike many of the non-Santa Christmas movies, such as It's a Wonderful Life.

Of course there are probably Santa movies that are the exception (that is to say not completely stupid, pointless and mind-numbingly predictable) but the only one that comes to mind is Miracle on 34th Street.

Those are my thoughts, hopefully my crappy attitude doesn't land me on the naughty list! Regardless, I can promise you that Christmas will not be ruined if I don't have presents to open on Christmas morning.

James Bond - The Ultimate Jerk.

First of all you need to know that I have put a lot of thought into this post. I have carefully considered all of the opinions which I am about to present, and I have done a fair amount of much enjoyed research.

I love James Bond movies! Perhaps the reason I like the character so much is that I think he might be the ultimate jerk. He acts according to his own purposes regardless of how it affects other individuals. It sounds harsh - but what do you expect from a spy? He is not a man without loyalty, but I suppose in some ways he is a man without conscience. He doesn't care about how he is perceived. He kills anyone he deems necessary without remorse. He lies, he uses people, he breaks the rules. He's awesome! Certainly no role model - but such a stud... and such a jerk!


I have seen all the Bond movies. I have enjoyed them each. I can appreciate the unique contributions to the character from each of the actors who portrayed the infamous MI6 agent (except maybe Timothy Dalton who was just pretty awful). So you will know that I realize the magnitude of the statement when I say that my favourite Bond is Daniel Craig!



I know, I know, it's almost unthinkable to prefer anyone to Sean Connery - but there you have it. I like the Craig Bond best for a number of well prepared reasons which you are about to hear. Before I lay it all out I do want to be clear that I love Sean Connery's Bond. I think he is the absolute in suave and no one could top his performance on that front (although Pierce Brosnan gave it a good shot). But I still like Craig better as 007. Here are my reasons (not necessarily in order of relevance).

Oh my!!

1. Daniel Craig is hot! I mean smoking hot!! Hotter than any of the other Bond actors combined (sorry women my mom's age who are now offended on behalf of Pierce Brosnan) -- and I realize that most  of them were really very attractive. He's got that fabulous physique that just doesn't let up. Hes got that rugged yet charming smirk (best when surrounded blonde stubble). He's got those cold, cold, piercing, blue eyes. When he gets really angry, or worked up on screen his face gets a little flushed and his eyes get brighter and sharper and become positively steely! It makes my blood turn cold, then hot, then cold again.

2. Daniel Craig's Bond is kick ass! Literally. Hand to hand, with a gun, with an improvised weapon, Daniel Craig's Bond could kill any of the other Bonds. That makes him easily the most believable as a cold blooded spy. Look at the body count in his movies! If you are interested in comparing all the movie Bonds you should check out the following link. It's pretty cool! Shout out thank you to Mike McLaughlin for telling me about it!



http://www.swiftfilm.com/which-bond-slept-with-the-most-women-killed-the-most-bad-guys-and-drank-the-most-martinis/

I liked being able to compare the various Bonds to each other on the most important criteria - but it should be noted that those numbers do not include Craig's tallies from Skyfall, I do believe it is safe to say that with those additions and the probable additions of Craig's future 007 films he should outdo all of the other Bonds before he is done.

3. Probably the biggest and best reason that I consider Craig the best Bond is character development. You are probably familiar with the ideas of flat and round characters. Flat characters are characters which do not undergo any substantial change or growth throughout the story. They are two-dimensional, always same, predictable, and are usually minor characters because they are less developed. Round characters are usually the main characters in a story. A round character is one which encounters struggles and challenges and not only confronts them but is changed by them. Daniel Craig's Bond is a round character, while I would consider the other movie Bonds to be a bit flat. I like my Bond on the round side.

4. Daniel Craig is the best jerk- and you love him for it! He is cool, detached, and effective.


Of course I realize that there are good arguments on the opposing side for why Craig is not the best Bond. In the interest of fairness these really should be addressed as well. There are really only two plausible reasons I can think of for not preferring Daniel Craig as 007.

1. Daniel Craig is not as suave as some of the other Bonds, particularly Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan. I can't really argue, they are both exceptionally charming and suave. In fact, I'm not sure it's humanly possible for ANYONE to be more suave than Sean Connery as James Bond. But as woman, I find Daniel Craig sufficiently charming, and anything he may lack in charm he makes up for in other important and attractive qualities.

2. Purists may not approve of Craig's Bond because it doesn't fit with their interpretation of the character as written in Ian Fleming's books. In order to weigh in on this fairly I decided to read Casino Royale yesterday. It was was fairly short so I was able to get through it in an afternoon. Uncharacteristically, I have to say I prefer the movie to book (we can probably give Craig some of the credit for that). The descriptions of Bond in the book don't strictly fit Daniel Craig (except the description of his eyes which I feel is spot on with my thoughts on Daniel Craig's eyes seen above). Fleming's Bond has dark hair. He is slighter than Daniel Craig and (to my interpretation) less attractive. But emotionally I feel Craig is as good of a fit for Fleming's famous character as any other character who has taken the role.


So there you have it! Take my opinions for what they're worth, but remember this: the things that makes the character 007 so timeless and so awesome is the same things that makes him a jerk. That is what keeps us coming back for more. If you haven't seen Skyfall you really should! It's my favourite film of the year.

If you want to weigh in on this please leave a comment, and feel free to take the poll this week to vote for your favourite Bond!

Douchism for Dummies!

This is a very special post. Today I have guest blogger. That's right! Someone actually reads my blog and was willing to contribute his own thoughts. It’s an old friend of mine, Nick Hubbard. Nick and I are friends from a simpler time in life when we were both probably a lot nicer (despite what Nick may tell you). My how things have changed…

Nick is going to share with us some insights on douche bags, specifically how to be one. Of course, there is a wide difference between being a jerk and being a douche bag- maybe we’ll talk about that sometime- but in the meantime I hope you’ll enjoy Nick’s post as much as I did! I have asked Nick to include a quick jerk bio to help you understand what kind of a jerk he is. So without further adieu - Nick!!

Thank you Eileen for the opportunity to guest blog for you!

My name is Nick Hubbard and I'm a jerk. I've been a jerk my whole life except for maybe my first waking breaths until I figured out I wasn't in my mother's womb anymore. My jerkiness manifests itself in the form of extreme cynicism so I guess you could say I'm more of a "glass broken on the floor with spilled Mountain Dew all over the floor and a mess to clean up" sort of guy. I would say that the "jerk" gene is a mutated form of the "ass-hole" gene which is our family's version of male pattern baldness. One time in high school a girl asked me why I was such a jerk. I told her I didn't know. She never talked to me again. True story. There you have it. I'm a jerk and proud of it!

Now, let's get down to business!

Today's entry is on how to be a douche bag! No, I am not referring to the kind that you buy at the pharmacy, although some of the similarities are quite striking. So yes, I'm talking about the brand of douche that makes us all wish we could be as cool as he thinks he is.

Just to be clear, I will be using douche and douche bag interchangeably, although I concede to the point that there are varying yet subtle differences such as being a Yankee's fan vs. a Raider's fan.

The number one thing you gotta have in order to be a first class doucher is a bad attitude. Cynicism won't cut it here. It's all about you. You always control the conversation by projecting your misguided and selfish outlook. You consistently 1-up every accomplishment and you resent and make fun of everyone who comes up short of your glory. Any threat to your status is worthy of a stare down of maximum proportions. Making a scene in front of lots of people is always good too, especially when you're making an example of someone else or making yourself look waaaay better than everyone else.

You have a job or family money, but you want to go back to school, or maybe you're in school but you are sort of "in between majors." You're just waiting for the right opportunity because it hasn't happened yet for the last 6 years since high school.

In order to fit in with your newly founded douch-a-Rama of a self you must also quit showering and wear excess amounts of Axe body spray. This way, you will definitely be a hit with the ladies because who can resist the odor of a French whore house with overtones of grotesque body odor?! Don't discard all your toiletries however, as a quick shower every now and again never hurt anyone, except maybe your ego because you had to actually do something today, instead of playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live with a bunch of 12-year olds. You will need to shave maybe once every 2 weeks and then hide from everyone until your stubble starts to show. This is an important image you're trying to project, so attention to every detail of self-indulgent laziness is a must. Trimming your beard into a pencil beard is always fun too.

Now this brings us to attire. A tricky subject because while your personal hygiene will suffer, you have to make it look like you take care of yourself. Therefore, always buy the most expensive, oversized, designer clothes, preferably with illegible corporate logos stitched or silk-screened onto your pants and shirts. While around the house, wear nothing but dirty wife beaters and pajama pants or boxers. See, the idea here is to not wear your expensive clothes to get them dirty around the house, which by the way is a complete disaster because you're too cool to clean up. Now your wardrobe must have New York Yankees attire. To epitomize the stereotype, you need to get at least one (preferably more), mint condition stiff brimmed Yankees baseball cap with original tags and stickers. Your shoes should be white and absolutely perfect. If they get scuffed, throw them away and steal or buy another pair. Your attire will scream "Hey look! I'm a douche!!"

Your vehicle is the ultimate compensation for your lack of self awareness. More is more and bigger is better when it comes to your transportation. Your vehicle should be a late-model jacked up pickup truck with a 6+ inch lift and huge off-road tires. Now who in their right mind would get this $50,000 beaut dirty?! You got it, not you! Therefore, at all costs you must keep your most prized possession free from dirt and dust by having it detailed every waking chance so you can pick up all the hot chicks at the local bar scene. Take no intention in taking this king of the road off asphalt, as too much of your Dad's hard earned money went into creating the monstrosity that it is. Go ahead and wear those $600 tires (each) out in 6 months by driving like a maniac on the interstate while supporting your community gas station at 8 miles per gallon and sucking down Red Bull like it's Red Bull.

Lastly, your company says a lot about you. You should always "hang out" and "chill" whenever possible to avoid actually doing something useful. Your friends share the same "I don't give a flying *expletive*) attitude as you, but since you're on the same wavelength, everything's cool unless you're out of beer. In that case, send your smokin' hot girlfriend to the convenient store for some Bud Light and Heineken. Also, don't forget to treat your loved ones like doormats. They seems to always love that.

There you have it! How to be a douche bag. Of course, being a douche bag isn't limited to the scope of this entry, and there are thousands of ways you can be a more douche-baggery you. Just get creative by stealing others' ideas on how to look and act cool so the rest of the world can see how respected you really are!

That's it for today! Special thanks to Nick for the awesome post, it was filled with jerky goodness. If you have any thoughts about today's post or about douche bags, let's hear them. Leave a comment!

Halloween Costume Ideas

Halloween is probably the most sexist of American holidays. It's like a free pass night for all women to dress like prostitutes without feeling slutty and all men to dress like tools without being offensive. The reality, of course, is that they are both slutty and offensive without acknowledging the fact.

Let's talk about women's costumes first. I haven't included images because I know you all know exactly what I'm talking about and have seen it for yourselves. Who knew that so many sweet and innocent childhood memories could be turned so slutty? Some of the most personally saddening trampy get-ups I have seen include:

Slutty Bumblebee
Slutty Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz
Slutty Nun
Slutty Angel
Slutty Raggedy Ann
Slutty Little Red Riding Hood
Slutty School Girl (that's just too pervy)
The list goes on...

But when it comes to tasteless costumes men most certainly have their share. The ones with perpendicular objects and strategically placed signs are a particular favourite. I would bet some serious money that these guys (whose images I don't own) aren't getting tricked OR treated on Halloween night.

Speaking of horrible couples costumes - there are an abundance of them available! You can buy tacky and/or socially uncomfortable costumes, or just create your own. I wish I knew what it is that possesses some couples to think that dressing up like giant babies, Adam & Eve, and other such awkward pairings.

Those are some of my thoughts on Halloween costumes. At the very least, perhaps you have gotten some terrible ideas for costumes that you can use this Wednesday.

How To Make Enemies: In the Work Place

We spend roughly one third of our adult lives at work. Is there a better place to place enemies? Probably not. So if you are looking to make people hate you, here are some ways that I have found very effective in the professional world.

Harass them with high fives.
Nothing will make people avoid you more than obligating them into unwanted physical contact. People won't be able to turn you down without looking like a jerk (which no one wants) so pretty soon people will go out of their way to stay out of your sight... and reach.

Peddle products.
Cookies, pop corn, Mary Kay. People can't turn you down without feeling like a jerk for not helping out the Boy Scouts, or Girl Scouts, or whatever extra curricular activity your kids are involved in.

Whistle while you work.
Pretend it's American Idol. You should probably start out by whistling or humming softly and with any luck you will be singing at normal volume before long. The best part of performing to an unwilling audience at work is that they are captive! With nowhere to go, they may grow to loathe you more with every song.

Take a dip in the office dating pool.
We've all fallen into the trap of thinking that a harmless work romance couldn't possibly end on bad terms, and yet they almost always do.

Push your way into private conversations.
You all know how much I love eavesdropping, but you cross all kinds of lines when go from listening to conversations, to jumping right in. You will be amazed at how quickly people stop talking anywhere near you when you poach your way into their private chats.

Help yourself to snacks.
Think of your work environment as a big happy family where everything is shared. So if you see a tasty snack on a neighbor's desk or in the break room fridge think of it as community property.


So there you have it! Tomorrow is the start of a new workweek so go forth and try these new tactics out! Have a jerky week everyone!!

Why I hate my generation: Alfred Hitchcock

This is a rant. If you don't want to hear my completely biased and overly harsh judgments of the complete strangers I saw tonight then please feel free not to read further.

Tonight I went to see TCM's special 50th Anniversary screening of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds at a local movie theatre. I went with my sister Kelsey who is also a classic film enthusiast and has a great appreciation for Alfred Hitchcock. If you don't know going into this that Alfred Hitchcock is one of the greatest directors in the history of film and is the King of Suspense, then you should stop reading now. You should also probably not mention your ignorance of this to me, as it may alter our friendship.

The movie theatre was mostly empty, and we got excellent seats. The film itself was everything we remembered, and we loved it! Well worth paying $11.50 to see it on the big screen. Since it was a small crowd, I naturally assumed we were in the company of other connoisseurs. As it turned out, we were in the presence of Philistines.

Without spoiling the plot for you (in case this post has somehow inspired you enjoy the classic for the first time yourself) I believe I may say that the movie ends on a bit cliff hanger. Once the movie ended, we learned that apparently many of the people in the theatre had not seen it before, because they didn't know that it was over. Don't ask me why any of those people (who apparently had no appreciation for classic film as you will soon see) paid $11.50 to see this movie for the first time. People seemed disappointed, and confused as to whether or not it was over. Hint: When a movie shows the Studio's logo and then the screen goes black after a movie - it's over. And since this is a classic movie, there are no gag reels, no fake endings, no credits - we saw those in the beginning of the film, remember? One dear, dimwitted lady even went to the trouble of fetching one of the theatre workers to see if there was something wrong with the movie because she was certain it couldn't be over. She was, of course, wrong.... and stupid.

Far worse though, were the people who actually had the nerve to complain about the movie. To cast derisive judgments on the Alfred Hitchcock's Oscar nominated masterpiece of film! It's brilliant! It does just what a suspense movie is supposed to do, it keeps you on the edge of your seat, it keeps you guessing - even at the end. Does it move slower than today's cookie cutter horror and action films? Yes, you spend a lot of time waiting - that's what SUSPENSE means! Idiots! I'm sorry that you were raised in the age of instant gratification and have not the patience, nor the intelligence to appreciate something that isn't spoon fed to you and coated in cine-candy. 

Granted, parts of the movie are a bit outdated, or maybe even laughable. It was made in 1963 and has phenomenal effects considering the limited technology available during production. Also, there is intentional humour because Hitchcock, like all great film makers, knows that some relief is necessary in a suspense. But the whole thing is brilliantly done. The brilliance is apparently somehow lost on the morons of my generation.

One particularly obtuse young woman laughed at the end, and in a befuddled tone said, "What? Well I guess the moral is now I know what to do if birds attack. *giggle, *giggle." 

Someone should tell her:

1. That's not what a moral is. 

2. You're an idiot!

What was she even doing there? When we heard her talking after the movie Kelsey and I had to fight back the urge to get up in her face. When you insult the genius of Alfred Hitchcock, you incur the wrath of Dobbins. I had to pull Kelsey back and keep telling her to walk away. That hooker is lucky that we didn't have a flock of birds to unleash on her!

This is why I am very selective of the company I bring with me to an event like this. I don't cast my pearls before swine! If I had invited a friend to this movie and they didn't appreciate the brilliance of it, our friendship would simply NOT have been the same. If you can't appreciate film that has stood the test of time and remains as relevant and scintillating today as the day it was made, it's better that you not tell me. Because once I know that, I can't value your taste any longer. I can respect you as a person, but things will never be the same between us. 

I think I've said enough. If any of you are still reading I hope you are not offended, but even more I hope you are not a stupid Philistine!

PS - During the movie one person clapped. I glared at them in the dark and cursed them under my breath, but afterwards I forgave them because at least THEY were appreciating what they were watching.

How to Make Enemies: At the Movie Theatre.

Are you tired of trying to make friends and ready to make some enemies? Have you ever wished for more opportunities to offend people? If so, this new segment of the blog is intended especially for jerks like you. I am calling it "How to Make Enemies", and each "How to Make Enemies" portion will provide helpful tips for jerkness in day to day life. Today we are focusing on movie etiquette, in particular, how to make people hate you while watching a movie in the theatre.

Talking
This one should be fairly obvious, but it's worth discussing just the same. People HATE it when you talk during movies. It's rude, it's selfish, it's obnoxious, and it's sure to win you some enemies. This is particularly effective in the theatre where those around have actually paid their hard earned cash to watch. If you persist on talking through the movie (even after being hushed) you can be pretty confident that your neighbors will be wishing your immediate demise before the end of the feature.

Babies
Of course, there is always the chance that you will not be able to generate enough noise to be sufficiantly annoying on your own, in which case I recommend bringing along a baby (if you have one handy). You may certainly depend upon a baby soiling itself, and crying during a long, and loud movie. Your neighbors will appreciate neither the aroma, nor the commotion. If you're lucky there's a good chance that the baby is going to be miffed with you as well.

Phones
If you want to make a genuine ass out of yourself at a movie theatre then what could be more fitting than to ignore the 20 different warnings shown on the big screen right before you movie starts? Go ahead, leave your phone on, feel free to text! Your lack of common courtesy will be completely undefendable. Now THAT is a 1st class jerk move.

Kicking Back
Movies are long, so naturally you want to be comfortable. If you want to be comfortable during a movie then some would say that the obvious solution is to stay at home. For those of us to prefer to take the road less traveled, the solution is to kick back in the theatre as if it were our home. We spread out and put our feet up on the seat in front of us. This move is guaranteed to make the people seated in front of you absolutely loathe you, and also potentially get you in trouble with the theatre staff (happened to a friend of mine).


Up & Down / Musical Chairs
If none of the above tips have proven irritating enough to alienate your fellow movie goers then I have one sure-fire tip left for you: move around! Get up, sit down, get up again. Change seats, make countless bathroom trips (more than once per feature). It's nearly as disruptive for your neighbors as it is for you, and is sure to have them cursing you under their breath.

Bonus Irritant: Clapping
This apparently only annoys me, but you could also perform the senseless and obnoxious act of clapping after or during the movie. Clapping? Why clap for a movie? It's not like the performers can HEAR you. Who exactly are you clapping for??

In conclusion, it is my hope that you have found these ideas helpful in your quest for jerkship, and that you will be able to make many, many enemies. Stay tuned for more ways to make enemies.

Have you met my Olympic boyfriend?

First and foremost, I wanted to thank everyone who reads or has read or may ever read my blog. I am amazed that there are a few people who are willing to read my ranting ramblings. Maybe you just want to make fun of my opinions, maybe you are as sardonic as I am, or maybe you are looking for typos. Whatever the reason - bless you. I am excited to say that I am three views away from 1000, and I am hoping this quick post will put me there!

If you follow my Facebook feed at all then you know that I love Michael Phelps! He has so many things going for him: great smile, great physique, tons of awards, world and Olympic records, and more Olympic medals (and gold medals) than anybody else in history!
At the start of the Olympic games I was surprised to hear a lot trash talked about Michael Phelps. All the nay-sayers should be properly silenced now - and yet I still hear people bashing the strapping swimmer. What gives?

What's not to love?

Maybe I could understand it if these negative nancies were bitter losers from competing countries, but they aren't. They are Americans who are apparently lacking in national Olympic pride. I don't get it, I thought I was the jerk around here?!

The latest fuel for haters involves a Louis Vuitton photo shoot and some photos that were apparently leaked prematurely in violation of an Olympic rule (you can read about it here). Michael, I am confident, is without fault in the matter, but why are so many people anxious to jump on his case? We certainly love to see the mighty fail in this country. A few years ago he was America's darling, now a collection of losers would like to see him fall on his face. 

It sounds like sour grapes to me! What is it in human nature that makes it so we can't stand to see other people succeed? Michael Phelps has worked hard for his success, no need to be a jerk about him.

What your online dating profile is really telling me.

Recently a close friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) and I decided to give the whole online dating thing a shot. So we set up profiles on a few different sites to see what was out there. For my part, I was mostly curious about how the whole online courtship thing works. Let me tell you, I have not been disappointed!

I have already spent some hours of enjoyment perusing online profiles and making some critiques. Here are some of my interpretations of profile postings I have seen for your enjoyment!


"I enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy." = You are secretly a woman.

"I'm really funny and have a great sense of humor." - Says who? If you're funny, say something funny. Don't tell me how funny you are, that's not humorous.


"I don't think a person can be described in a few paragraphs. If you want to get to know me, send me a message." = You have nothing interesting to say for yourself and are hoping your picture will be enough to attract someone (spoiler alert: it won't be).


"I am not book smart, but I am street smart." = You are illiterate.


"I can't stand people who are fake or dishonest." = You have real trust issues.


"I'll tell you later about my spirituality." = You're not religious.



You are wearing sunglasses in all of your pictures.  = You smoke a lot of weed.


You took your picture in the bathroom mirror with your phone. = You are a slutty 14 year old girl at heart.


You use the wrong "to" "too" or "two" more than once. = You never read the language you speak.


These are just some of the observations I have made. I'm sure there will be more to come :)

Losing is for losers.

I am a bad loser. The company I work for threw a summer party at an amusement park this weekend. It was really fun. After lunch we had a big raffle with lots of cool prizes. I didn't win any prizes, and I hate everyone who did! Just kidding.... mostly. I don't like losing :-(

Despite the fact that I hate losing, I still love competition. When people say they want to play a game but "not keep score" I want to punch them in the face! If we're not going to keep score then what is the point of playing?? How do we know when the game is over?? How do we know who wins?? I don't want to play with people who aren't keeping score, they're no fun. 

Of course, I don't expect to win every time, but I am sure as hell going to try! And you can expect that unless we are competing at something for which I am at an obvious disadvantage (golf, tennis, etc.), I expect to win. If I don't win, I am going to be upset for a while. I'll get over it, but I am going to hate you just a little bit for just a little while.

If that makes me a jerk - so be it!

A quick thought on receiving compliments.

I recently set a goal to be better at giving compliments when they are deserved. You might say that I am compliment challenged, as I am good at neither giving, nor receiving them. Recently, I tried to compliment a co-worker on her curly hair and ended up eventually suggesting that she tell her brother to "check out her body". Of course that sentence is taken a bit out of context, but it was definitely not one of my smoother moments.

Regardless of how good my intentions are, some people just don't make giving compliments easy.

I hate false modesty! For some reason everyone believes that it makes you appear conceited if you accept a compliment without trying to refuse it first. If you know are good at something or that you did a good job, then you should be able to acknowledge it. You don't have to boast, but the last thing I want to do when I give you a compliment is argue with you for 10 minutes about whether or not you deserve it. I realize that you don't want to sound arrogant, but there is nothing wrong with agreeing with someone's praise.

If you really feel like you don't deserve the compliment you are being given, then I am afraid you are just going to have to suck it up and accept it gracefully. When you start telling me why you don't deserve the compliment I just gave you it sounds to me like you are wheedling for more compliments. You can bet that it makes me much more grudging in the compliments I give you.

So you can see, arguing with a compliment is futile and aggravating for the rest of us.

Marathons

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I've had a lot of other things going on. I'd like to tell you that I'll make amends with this post, but I don't want you to get your hopes up.

A few weeks ago I threatened my siblings on Facebook with embarrassing stories. I am sad to say that I will not be following through with that threat for two very good reasons: 1) My siblings know where I live. 2) They are not afraid to take violent action.

So, I am very sorry that I won't be sharing the story about how Lydia walked into the glass door at the school for deaf and blind children (too bad, I had great punchline for that one), or how Kelsey used to eat the scraps she was carrying out to feed to the cats.

I definitely won't be telling you how Josh blew himself up with a pipe bomb, or how Micah cut up my mom's night gown so he could carry a piece of it in his pocket (wow that really sounds creepy when you don't know the whole story). And you will just have to ask Erin about the time she nearly choked me to death as a small child, because I am not going to be discussing it here.

Instead let's talk about exercise. Spring is here and it's time to be active and participate in healthy outdoor activities (I am typing this while looking out the window from my bed). It is a time for marathons.

Marathons - it seemed like there was not a single Saturday last spring and summer that my morning driving route was not hindered by well meaning marathon runners, using the vehicle road for foot traffic. Whenever I see a foot race being conducted on a road I can't help being confused. Aren't foot races the very reason that tracks were invented? So that people could run around without inhibiting normal people's ability to travel?

I'm not just annoyed by the facts that the roads are over run on weekends by marathoners. It also sticks in my craw that every third person you know is hitting me up all the time to donate for them to run in a marathon. I don't mind giving some money for a good cause - I just think it's weird that a marathon is involved in the request at all. If you are asking for money for a good cause, why do you have to "sell" me on donating by saying it will enable you to run in a marathon?

Perhaps I am just slightly embittered by the fact that I hate running, and therefore am incredibly unsympathetic running related events. Whatever the reason, that is my big gripe today.

Forced Social Interactions

I am about to sound REALLY anti-social here (I mean more than usual), but can anyone tell me why it is that almost-strangers who are in the same room with each other for an extended period of time feel obligated to carry on a conversation?

I’m not talking about the 5 minutes interactions you have with people who are waiting for the same elevator you are, or the casual “Hi, how are you?” you exchange with people you recognize, those are both perfectly fine.

I am talking about forced social interactions, or FSI’s, as I like to call them. A forced social interaction is any sort of interaction which goes on for an uncomfortable amount of time and that you have with someone you don’t know well, and to whom you have nothing to say. These usually occur in a professional setting (chances are you have had at least one already today at your work) where you cannot avoid the people with whom you have nothing to talk about.

So why is it that we feel obligated to speak at all, when it is painfully obvious we have nothing to say? As a society we seem to be suffering from the notion that silence is awkward and should be filled with words whenever possible. Surely whoever it was that said "Silence is golden" has FSI's in mind.

My least favorite FSI is getting my hair cut. Yes, I hate going to the hairdresser. I like a new do as much as anyone else, but I find myself going far too long between haircuts because I dread the FSI that comes with it. My hairdresser is very nice, but we are not friends, nor do we have anything to talk about.

Every time she cuts my hair we have the exact same conversation. I don’t know if she actually wants to talk to me or if she just feels obligated to make small talk the entire hour that it takes to cut my hair. I want to tell her that I just want my haircut and I don’t want to talk, but I don’t have the nerve. I’m pretty sure it’s a bad idea to say anything that sounds remotely rude to the woman who is holding scissors near your head.

So instead I find myself small talking back because I feel bad making her carry the uncomfortable conversation alone. My heart just isn't in it though, and that is the real reason I stopped getting my hair colored – it made my appointments uncomfortably long and it was too hard to carry the conversation the whole time.

Another FSI you may be able to relate to occurs at the dentist’s office when the hygienist is working inside your mouth and trying to converse with you at the same time.  This conversation is particularly challenging because when he or she asks you a question they fully expect an answer which you try to give through a mouthful of the hygienist's fingers.Amazingly enough they always seem to understand what you are saying.

Family Reunions are probably the king of all FSI’s. Your trapped in an area with people you seldom see and barely know who only have some shared ancestors in common with you. You find yourself asking your cousin/niece/uncle/obscure relation what is new in their life (although your mom already filled you in on any juicy new before the reunion) and then they ask you, and they you are pretty much out of topics. The whole thing could be done by newsletter.

Here are a few more FSI’s you may have experienced:

- Long car rides with people you don’t know very well. Soo... I hate red lights, how about you?

- When your home/visiting teachers come over each month.

- Weddings of people you used to know really well.

- Blind dates that don’t “hit it off” with you.

I hate the unnaturalness of these encounters. If you have something to say, say it. If you don't have anything to say then let's have some peace. Having worked my entire life in customer service of some form or other I guess I have just had my fill of small talk in the professional world and I like to avoid it at all costs in my personal life.

So what do you think? Are FSI's avoidable or are we doomed to an endless cycle of meaningless conversations?

Four overrated animals!

Dolphins
Everybody loooooves dolphins. They think they're so cute and so smart. I thin dolphins are stuck up. They think they're way better than all the other fish in the ocean! "But Eileen" you're saying, "dolphins aren't fish - they're mammals." I know. But in my mind, if it swims like a fish and smells like a fish then it's a fish.
Therefore I would not feel any worse about having a helping of dolphin sandwich than I do about tuna.

 "That's terrible!" You're saying now, "Dolphins are too smart to eat." Oh come on, we eat intelligent animals all the time! When was the last time you had a piece of bacon? I'm pretty sure if we could understand what the dolphins are saying we would hear them making snide jokes about us and then cackling wildly.

                                               So long, and thanks for all the sandwiches!


Butterflies
 A bug is a bug, I don't care how pretty it's wings are. So what is attraction to butterflies? They start out as a caterpillar, spin themselves into a cocoon and emerge with wings. Big deal. Moths do the same thing but you don't see any trashy girls getting moths tattooed to their lower back! You don't see people trying to get grasshoppers to land on their hand in a field full of flowers. Butterflies are just bugs, and bugs are gross!

                                       "Excuse me miss, you have a bug on your shoulder."


Monkeys
I've never understood why people like monkeys. They're smelly, they bite, and they have opposing thumbs which means that if they're little paws were big enough they could strangle you in your sleep. Have you ever looked a monkey in it's little human-like eyes and had the eery feeling that it was planning your murder? Monkey's are devious, conniving little tricksters!

                                                                    *Shudder*


Sloths
 Speaking of animals that could be serial killers, let's talk about sloths. They have the creepiest faces in the animal kingdom! They look like they are smiling all the time which is either incredibly devious or just plain creepy!! They have long, very sharp claws (which would be ideal for slicing you open) and are agile climbers who could hide and wait for you virtually anywhere!

 

                                     Don't be fooled by his seeming charm, he could be a killer!


These are just a few of the animals that I think are completely overrated, if you agree or think I'm completely off base leave a comment below!

I couldn't help overhearing....

Yes, I listen to other people's conversations. Is that so wrong? Sure most people consider it to be rude, or really invasive but that describes most the people who read this blog. (I'm kidding, if anyone is actually reading this.)

Eavesdropping is fun! When I listen to a perfect stranger's conversation I make a little game out of seeing how quickly I can figure out what they are talking about and what the back story is. One time I was out to eat when a guy walked in with his new wife and his kids. While they were eating he got a call from his ex-wife and proceeded to have a 20-30 minute conversation with her (even telling her about he and the new wifey's honeymoon trip). I could see the new wife getting more and more annoyed so I stuck around a little while after I finished eating to see what she would say. Finally he could see the new wifey was upset, so he got off the phone with old wifey (who plainly wasn't through with the conversation). I would like to be able to tell you what happened next, but they had finished eating at that point and left. Sometimes people are so inconsiderate!

Aside from the entertainment value there are other benefits to eavesdropping. For one thing, it will help you develop an acute sense of hearing. It can also help you develop strong deductive logic skills, soon you will be Sherlock Holmes-ing other people's conversations. Lastly, it keeps you abreast of current events, if it weren't for the fact that I overhear it might never hear any of the good gossip.

Now at this juncture I think I should point out that I do have one rule for listening to other people's conversations. It's this: Do not eavesdrop on the conversations of people you know. That would border on spying on your friends - which is creepy. Also, as we learn from Shakespeare's Much Ado about Nothing, no good comes from hearing that which your friends did not intend for your ears.

There is no shame in eavesdropping, but I do advise you to be careful not to get caught. There is nothing quite as awkward as having to explain to someone why you were listening their "private" conversation.

 It's like, if whatever you are talking about is soooo private maybe you should find a less public location to conduct your conversation. If you are talking in my area, loud enough for me to hear you, then I consider that an invitation to listen!

Well that's it for today everyone, please leave a comment if you have an opinion about eavesdropping or if you have a suggestion for my next post! Until then, I'll be listening.....

What I learned from watching the Oscars last night:

1. Woody Allen is still alive.

2. Silent movies are back in (it's about time)!

3. Meryl Streep is aging backwards (seriously, she looks better than ever).

4. Cameron Diaz is aging fast-forwards (I told her to wear sunscreen).

5. Billy Crystal isn't very funny.

6. The Academy wants me to watch movies in the theater (thanks for the oh so subtle hints guys).

7. Jennifer Lopez isn't afraid to push the envelope in clothing exposure.

8. Sacha Baron Cohen is a shameless attention whore (okay, I did know that before but still).



Highlight of my night: Bret McKenzie won an Oscar!!!

Things you feel obligated to do but secretly have a bad attitude about

It's been a few days since I've posted anything so, let me be a jerk! This is a list of 7 things (in no particular order) that we do because we feel obligated, but about which we secretly have a bad attitude.


- Recycling. Sure it's a good idea, sure everyone benefits, but it's still really inconvenient. I also somehow feel like a sellout jumping on the "green" wagon.

- Telling someone their baby is cute when you actually think it's hideous. If that really was a baby in the picture you showed me then, yeah.... it was.... er.... adorable.

- Acting like you don't mind when someone's child is out of control. "No, no it's fine that your little monster keeps touching me with it's filthy hands" "No, the screaming isn't bothering me at all."

- Holding the door open for people who are walking a reasonable distance behind you, but are moving MADDENINGLY SLOW. I know it's the courteous thing to do, but would it kill them to put a little pep in that step?

- Giving high fives to someone when they stick their hand up for one, even though you just aren't feeling it. You can't leave them hanging without looking like a jerk.... but who knows where that hand has been???

- Extended family re-unions. Who doesn't want to spend several hours mingling with people who are practically strangers, but related enough to feel like they can judge you and give advice?

- Quality time with your parents-in-law. Enough said.

Why women are jerks on V-Day...

Have you ever noticed how competitive women get on Valentine's Day? We can't help it, Valentine's Day is like the ___________( <-- insert major men's sporting event of your choice) for women!

I'll bet if you check your news feed on Facebook you will see that it is being flooded by women uploading pictures and comments on how wonderful their significant others are and exactly what/how their honey "surprised" them.

Why do we do that? Because Valentine's Day is a competition and we need to see who is winning. Even more importantly, we need to let other women know that we were not forgotten, that we too have someone who cares about us. And furthermore, that our someone is WAY more thoughtful than yours!

I'm not casting stones here, I am no better myself! I made sure that my husband sent me a lovely edible arrangement at my office (I confess, I chose it myself) so that I would have something Valentinesy on my desk when all the other ladies had something on their desks.

I'm pretty sure I beat out all the competition, and I am just jerk enough to admit it!


Question of the day: Have you ever (or would you ever) sent yourself a gift on Valentine's Day?

Other question of the day: What is the most obnoxious thing about Valentine's Day?

Twilight = a series for tweens and their mothers!

So, now that I've angered pregnant women everywhere (I think they may have been a little emotional to start with, I just set them off), let's talk about something less controversial (hopefully).

I know I'm not alone in this, but I don't get Twilight. By that I don't mean "I don't like Twilight", (I'm actually pretty indifferent to the whole thing) I don't "get" the Twilight audience. I expected Twilight to appeal to girls in the age range of 11-15, but instead I find most of the Twi-hards I know are women aged 25-45. Why????

I may be a jerk, but does it seem weird to anyone else that grown woman with a family and/or life should be obsessed with a story about a co-dependent teenage girl who is in love with a 100 year old sparkling guy that drinks blood?

But hey, at least it's bringing mothers and daughters together. I love seeing them out and about together at the movie premiers in matching outfits they both got from the junior's section!


You tell me, am I missing something or is that weird?

What's up with pregnant ladies on Facebook?

I'm a jerk, I'll admit that right away, but is it just me or has Facebook turned pregnant women into shameless self promoters? Every time I sign in I get hit by multiple pregnancy posts. Some of the more common posts are listed below, I am just NOT THAT INTERESTED in the details of your pregnancy!


The Weekly Countdown 

For some reason pregnant ladies assume that we are as excited for that baby to come out as they are, and so they naturally give us a week by week countdown to the big event. "6 weeks along, I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going by." These are usually accompanied by the all important pregnancy photo taking in profile to emphasize stomach growth. Pregnant ladies love having pictures taken from that angle!


The Baby's Progress Report

From almost the minute of conceiving, prego ladies can't wait to tell us how the baby is progressing. They even have a Facebook app that tells you each week how much like a human your baby is starting to look. "This week your baby is growing eyeballs" complete with creepy illustrations.

The Ultrasound Picture

Last, but certainly not least is the ultrasound picture. The first thing prego ladies do after getting this "babies first picture" taken is to load it onto their Facebook for us all to see. As if all ultrasound pictures didn't look exactly the same - that is to say like aliens under water.

Maybe I'll feel differently when I start having kids of my own, but I doubt that you will - so I promise not to bombard you within details of my pregnancy that you care nothing about!


Question of the day: Do you care about the pregnancy details of your casual friends, or are you a jerk?

You might be a jerk....

... if newlyweds make you feel nauseated.

... if you don't give a damn where your friends "check in".

... if you feel like people you don't like are stealing oxygen that should be yours.

... if you don't think every baby is cute.

... if you think some babies are downright ugly.

... if you don't recycle your aluminum cans.

... if you pretend not to hear people you don't like when they say hi at the grocery store.

... if everyone who doesn't agree with you is an idiot.

... if you blog about what a jerk you are.