How To Make Enemies: At Concerts

If you follow my Facebook posts at all then you know that I like concerts. I've attended quite a few so far this year and when looking at the experiences with my special jerk vision I believe I've spotted a few new ways to make people absolutely loathe you in public settings.


Get drunk and LOUD
Because everyone knows that you're about hundred times funnier when you're drunk, right?? Wrong. The more you drink, the louder you get, and the fainter your inhibitions become. If you're not familiar, inhibitions are those things that prevent you from looking like an idiot and behaving like a jackass. Once those are removed from the equation there's pretty much nothing stopping you from making yourself the most hated person in the arena. Oh yeah, you'll have people hanging on your every word.. and plotting creative ways to choke you out.

PDA
I am not even kidding when I say that at the Kenny Chesney concert earlier this year there was a couple 5 feet away from me (5 FEET!!!) that were pretty much about to have sex. Fortunately, they left the area before they got past PG-13 territory, but the groping and saliva swapping was - as Sally would put it - a little "too familiar" for those of us who didn't come to the concert as a per-cursor to an adult film. I know that you're drunk, I know that you find music romantic, but seriously get a radio and a room before I throw up on you.

Touch me
You know what I like? Being touched by complete strangers - ideally drunk, loud ones that spill beer on me. If you can throw in questionable hygiene you'll totally make my night! I know it's crowded, but under no circumstances should a stranger wittingly put their hands on my shoulders and talk to me. And yet, here we are - blogging about how much we hate those people and how much we wish someone would "lay hands" on them.

Block my view
"Oh no, that's fine. Stand right in front of me. It's not like I wanted to see the band or anything"
 
It's not rocket science: I'm short. If you're tall, and you stand right in front of me, I will not be able to see anything. Show me how little you care about whether I can see or not by blocking my view and you will most assuredly incur my wrath. Just because I bought a general admission ticket, doesn't mean I don't care about being able to see. 

Act like a total dick in the parking lot
This is my personal favourite, because it is the most likely to result in a homicide. I know you're in a hurry to get home, I'd like to get home too. Is your time really soooooo valuable and are you sooooooo important that you really can't wait your effing turn in line?? Who do these people think they are? When people are so selfish and rude in parking lots that they won't even let one person merge in front of them, or they cut me someone who has been waiting their turn off it makes me want to talk with my fingers... and my harsh words... and sometimes my fists.

Burning Tears of Rage: My Comcast Experience

I cried today. I'm not an emotional person, and I don't cry often, but today I cried. Not tears of sadness, but burning tears of rage. I am one of those highly logical people that likes my emotions buried deep beneath the surface. I have found this to be an extremely effective way to function in life. There are times (maybe once or twice a year) that my emotions spill over and I get so worked up that I will actually cry because I am so angry!!

That's right - real anger makes me tear up like a big baby. Fortunately, I am pretty hard to legitimately infuriate. I'm easy to annoy, I'm easy to aggravate, I'm easy to displease, and sometimes easy to provoke, but you really have to be trying in order to incur my wrath. I don't like being mad, it's emotionally exhausting, it's mostly unproductive, and it's rarely humorous or witty. I avoid it at all costs, and like to think that I stay pretty cool most of the time. However, when I do get angry, I get really angry. Emotionally, I turn green, burst through my clothes, and start smashing stuff. That's what happened today.

I moved a couple months ago, and took my internet service with me - Comcast. I'd heard some bad things about Comcast before, but they were the fastest internet available in my area so I signed on with them in early 2012 and never had any issues... until now.

There are a couple things that I pride myself on as a consumer. First, I always pay my bill (usually on time and in full). Second, I am really reasonable and don't kick up a fuss about reasonable charges. Third, I always give a company a chance to make things right. In return for these three fantastic customer attributes I expect really outstanding service and for companies to deliver exactly what they promise.

Even though Comcast is expensive (some would say overpriced), I was willing to pay for what I saw as a good product and good service. Not that I've ever really had to rely on their service before for any real issues, but if I don't have any issues I just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your service is good. I was wrong about Comcast though, their service is not good and they don't appreciate their customers.

So back to the story, I moved a couple months ago and when I did I had to kind of open a new account for my new address. I got it all set up and during set up (over the phone) I opted for e-billing (I hate getting bills in the mail, who reads them?). Strangely enough, I have never received a bill from Comcast since moving (although I have gotten some junk mail). Now, to my own accountability I should have followed up, but I'm a busy girl and I never found the time. Instead I have just continued paying (consistently, every month) a little more than I was paying before I moved, because I knew my rate was going up a little. I figured if it was wrong they would let me know. Well this week they did... to the tune of $168.00.

It all started yesterday when I received several missed calls from an unknown 800 number - no voicemails. After work I called the number back and learned that it was Comcast. They connected me to any automated system that told me that I owed Comcast $168.00. As you can imagine, I was surprised and unhappy - a large portion of this charge was for a small overdue sum on an earlier bill. Again, I was unhappy, but no tears. I just figured it was right and that I would need to contact them about getting my bills delivered in the future, but I'd pay up in the mean time. Now I had sent my usual payment of $50.00 on Monday, so I logged onto my Wells Fargo Bill Pay and sent an additional $120.00 yesterday. Lesson learned, I thought that was the end of it.

Today I got another call from the 800 number. This time I answered, just to let them know the payment was sent. I spoke with a collections agent. If you've ever had a collections call you know that the agents aren't known for being especially nice. This guy was no exception. He wanted my $168.00. I explained (several times) that I had already sent the payment in two parts that week. I get the feeling he didn't believe me (come on, the checks in the mail) because he would simply retort (several times) that he didn't see any payments on my account from me this week. I offered to give him transaction numbers as proof, but he didn't want them - he did want me to make a minimum payment of at least $65.00 today in order to avoid an "interruption of my service". Like I said, so many times before, I have already sent $170 this week! I didn't have the inclination OR the money to send any more.

So I gave up and told him he can go ahead and interrupt my service, would they just turn everything back on when they process my payments (in the next day or so)? Yes, he assured me... with a re-activation fee. That didn't go over well, and this is where I began to cry.

Didn't it make any difference that I had never actually gone a month without making a payment (albeit in the wrong amount)? Didn't my excellent payment history with Comcast mean anything? To the first question, it made no difference. I had a balance that was over 30 days overdue so I had to pay. To the second question, he kindly let me know that it did make a difference, that was why my service hadn't been discontinued yet.

At this point I got a little too choked up to talk and had to take a minute. I asked him why, if my payment was over 30 days overdue, I hadn't received a call or notice before now. He said (and this was the kicker for me) that they could see I was a good customer from my payment history and they don't like to harass their good customers. Apparently, instead they like to wait until the payment is over 30 days overdue and then call (after stacking on substantial late fees) and threaten to turn off their internet. Fantastic service!!!

I said (in essence) thanks for nothing, and ended the call - I needed some time to get my emotions under control. I cried it out a little. As I dried my eyes of the tears of fury I felt calmer. I waited a little while and then called back for round two.

I was calmer and more prepared this time. I rang in and asked immediately for a supervisor. The guy on the phone assured me he could handle me - even after I told him I was irate, disgruntled, and wanting to cancel service - and I told him my story. To put it delicately, he was a total douche. I told him sending me to collections without any other sort of communication when I have been an outstanding customer made me really unhappy. He told me that they hadn't sent me to "collections" on account of my great history, and just sent me instead to their internal collections department. I said that didn't make a difference to me - he interrupt to say it surely did make a difference, as it wouldn't affect my credit and I should be grateful for that. That did it for me - I told him I was ready to cancel service. He gladly transferred me to cancellations.

Here in cancellations I spoke for the first time to someone who apologized. She was very sorry about the way I was treated, she wanted to save me as a customer. I explained why I was so dissatisfied and felt my treatment was unmerited. After all I had been sending payments and hadn't received a bill. It was an honest mistake! She said "well, in our defense - you are over 30 days overdue". That didn't help me, I was crying again. 

The nice part about crying when you're angry is that it really confuses the people you're mad at. Seriously, they have no idea how to respond. Do they comfort you? Do they keep acting like a jerk? Do they stop what they are doing and find a box of tissues? It doesn't matter because whatever they do will be wrong, and will make you more angry until you're all cried out.

She offered to reduce my bill for the next few months (still higher than I will be paying with Century Link). I told her my internet service and speed hasn't even been that good in my new place (just let me stream, for the love of Mike!!). "Well, it should be, it's the fastest available. If you have problems you should have contacted tech support."

That was the deathblow. I told her I wanted to cancel my service. She asked if there was anything they could do to change my mind. I laughed. When did I want them to cancel service? "As soon as possible" I said, "I don't want to pay you one more dollar."

So that is the story of how, starting tomorrow, I will be without home internet for a while. Sometime next week Century Link will be set up. Was I hasty? Perhaps. Sometimes anger makes us feisty (not that I need help with that). I'm at peace with my decision though. The anger is past, and I won't be shedding any tears tonight!

5 Reasons Why Cemeteries Are Better Than Parks

Maybe it's my lack of social skills, or maybe it's my jerky attitude, but I think I found my new summer hang out - the cemetery. For most people the park may seem like the obvious choice for summer fun, but I can tell you right now that cemeteries have parks beat in almost every possible way. Here are 5 off the top of my head:

• Peace and quiet. Have you ever tried to relax at a park in the summer? It's nearly impossible because in the summer parks are always crowded. Unless the weather is terrible you pretty never have the park to yourself. Cemeteries, on the other hand, are very rarely busy (a couple holidays out of the year) and are incredibly restful. There's something about death that makes reflection on life so much easier. The birds chirp just as much at the cemetery as at the park, the sky is just as blue, and sun is just as warm, but you can have it all to yourself.

• No kids. If you have read any of my other posts then you should know by now that pretty much any environment is improved by the absence of bratty, unattended children screaming and touching everything. Fortunately, you rarely encounter  unsupervised children at a cemetery. They don't like to play there a lot. If they are at a cemetery their parent's keep them on a tight leash, and they don't hang around for long. For some reason, the cemetery is not a hot spot for family night...

• No dogs. I love dogs, but sometimes I hate their owners. Some dog owners don't seem to understand that a park is a shared area and it's common courtesy to pick up after your pet, or keep it from eating other people's picnics. You never see dogs roaming around the cemetery, you never step in their little "surprises". 

• No litter. I know that we pay taxes for the upkeep of city parks, but the city can't keep up with the sloppy, thoughtless d-bags who are always littering the place up. Honestly, people are SO LAZY. Lazy people use the park, but they are too lazy to visit the cemetery. Which means the rest of us can enjoy the cemetery's well kept up greens and trash-free grass. We just try not to think about all the dead bodies underneath ;) 

• Headstones make good reading material. This might sound morbid - but dead people are cool. It's cool to check out the headstones and see who is buried there. It's fascinating to read the names, compare stones, and guess relations, to look at the birth and death dates and think about the life that happened between. To look at the memorials and the messages that have been aged and worn by time and weather and think about the love that inspired them. To think about remembrance - the one thing we all want when we pass on - and try to give the dead the remembrance they and their families wanted. You can't be bored at a cemetery, there is too much scope for the imagination.

I'm telling you, graveyards are where it's at! If you don't believe me - good, keep using the park...

10 Reasons NOT to Become a Mother

For Mother's Day I was going to write a post all about my mom, but Sally caught wind of the idea and insisted that I NOT do that. Instead she proposed the topic "Reasons not to become a mother". It was such a good idea that I couldn't pass it up! Per the suggestion of my wonderful mother, here (in no particular order) are 10 good reasons NOT to become a mother:

What if your child is a serial killer?

• Your kids will grow up to be huge disappointments. Believe me -- I've heard all about it. I have it on good authority that your kids will never grow up and live up to the expectations that you had for them as innocent little babies. You might not even like them as adults! They might not like you. They'll probably marry someone you hate. They'll probably drop out of school. They'll probably put you in a nursing home and never visit. They'll probably end up in prison. Behind every loser, murderer, and jerk that you know is (most likely) a disappointed mother.

• Your kids stop being cute (assuming they were ever cute to begin with). Those pudgy little faces and the cute, sassy little things they say become a lot less cute and a lot more sassy as they get older. I bet it was cute when your little four-year old put her hands on her hips and gave back talk.... let me tell you that same back talk is not cute from a fourteen-year old.

• You have to make healthy meals. Do you really want to start eating vegetables every day? It is your responsibility as a mother to provide healthy and nourishing meals to your brood. That means you need to eat healthy and nourishing meals too, unless you plan on cooking two dinners (good luck with that).

• You have to clean up ten times as many messes. You suddenly have ten times as many errands to run, ten times as much laundry to do, and ten times as many dishes to wash! Also - diapers! Enough said.

• You'll have to clean up your act. Kids are like sponges and you better believe they will absorb any little wrong thing they witness you say or do. Are you really ready to be a role model? Just wait until they repeat your favorite four letter word in front of a teacher. Just wait until your little tikes run off and tell your mother-in-law what you've been saying about her.

• It may cost you your girlish figure. Whether you actually give birth to a baby or not, once you have to start running around after a bunch of rug rats your diet and exercise plan will be shot. Who has time for the gym? Soon you'll be munching down Cheerios between meals and sneaking slurps from a sippy cup just like all the other moms on the block.

• Kids are why you can't have nice things. Mostly because who can afford nice things once you start popping out babies? Kids are the biggest expense of your life. They also ruin everything they touch. Kids have about the same level of grace and coordination as giraffes on roller skates or an eager Jennifer Lawrence climbing stairs at the Academy Awards. With their sticky little hands and their clumsy little feet, kids will unwittingly (or wittingly depending on how bratty they are) destroy anything nice or valuable in your house.

• You will have to watch cartoons/ play games/ go places that you don't want to because you have to do it for the kids. You may even have to put aside the fact that you don't want to get a dog and just get one because it's for the kids. How many times do you really want to watch Dora the Explorer or play Candy Land?

• Sooner or later your kids are going to embarrass you in a public setting by either spilling bodily fluids all over someone, throwing a tantrum, or just saying something that makes you look bad. It might not even be your fault. For example, I remember when my little sister (at roughly age 4) embarrassed my mom the first time she saw an African-American. We were at a store in Great Falls, Montana and loudly, after my mom was assisted by an African-American lady, Erin asked "Mom, do we like black people now?" Naturally, my mom was mortified, and to this day I'm still not sure where Erin got the idea that my mom didn't like black people.

• You are officially tied down. You can probably say goodbye to that dream of living in Italy, of becoming an Olympic gymnast, of just going out on a Friday night on a whim. You are a parent. You have responsibilities, you have roots, you can no longer be a rolling stone. You need to plan ahead. You need to move to the suburbs. You need to get a mini-van.

If you're already a mother, then I'm afraid you're stuck. Instead I guess you better enjoy your flowers and hope that your kids don't grow up to become jerks. Happy Mother's Day all!

Non-Consensual Tickling: No Means NO!

I have had far too many conversations about this subject lately to not address it with a blog post. Society needs to acknowledge and amend the problem of non-consensual tickling. For some reason guys like to use tickling as (what we assume they believe to be) a clever way to get handsy with a girl without actually making a move. 

I suppose guys do this because they think it is cute. Of course it is not cute -- it's juvenile. Maybe it was cute when I was a 14 year old girl -- I can't really remember. But I am not a 14 year old girl anymore, so unless you're a 14 year old boy you should stop trying to tickle the girl you are dating. If it's just an excuse to get handsy, why don't you just get handsy instead? If I'm going to shoot you down for getting handsy, I'm going to shoot you down for tickling too.

Besides the fact that it's annoying, there's a bigger issue. Guys don't know how to tickle. They don't seem to understand that it involves only light pressure and some finesse. When they "tickle" you they are actually forcefully jabbing your sides with iron fingers. It hurts! I'm not wreathing and trying to wriggle away because I'm ticklish, I'm doing it because I'm in pain! Here's a hint about tickling: it shouldn't leave bruises. If it leaves a permanent mark you're doing it wrong.

The final and greatest problem is that when you tell a guy to stop tickling you they never listen. Rather, they take that as encouragement to persist! I'm not being coy or coquettish, I genuinely don't want to be tickled. Think of my middle as a touch-with-permission-only-zone. No means NO! If I ask you to stop you should really stop! We shouldn't need a freaking safe word! If you find a girl who is into that great -- knock yourself out! Just make sure the tickling is consensual. Tickle rape is wrong.

What are you trying to say?

This is a passive aggressive rant about passive aggressive rants. It's not addressed at any one person in particular, and I don't care if it sounds hypocritical. If you have something to say, say it. I'm baring my troubled soul, don't read further if you don't want to hear some cold, hard opinions.

Goodness knows I hate confrontation -- nobody hates emotional confrontation as much as I do! When faced with such an encounter I experience a high level of stress and anxiety, particularly when emotions are concerned. It's not as much of an issue in a professional setting, because in a professional setting no confrontation is (or should be) personal. It's logical, it's practical, it's business. But everything in your personal life is personal, if it wasn't it wouldn't be there. I avoid potential encounters and the anxiety that accompanies them. I'm not good at coping with it.  

This flaw in my personality has lead to a tendency toward passive aggression. I'm a note leaver, door slammer, sarcasm speaker, under my breath talker, eye roller, rant writer, and occasional pushover when I feel like it is really just not worth the confrontation. Very few things in my personal life are worth that price. I buy things I don't want to buy, I go places I don't want to go, I have even dated people I didn't really want to date. It's a problem, but one I'm trying to deal with.

Nobody likes to disappoint others, nobody wants to be a jerk, but I've never really found a way to separate feeling like a jerk from telling someone no. Society grooms us to feel that way. I shouldn't have to apologize for my opinions, my preferences, or my disinterest.... but I feel like I should. 

But even greater than I my loathing of confrontation is my abhorrence of the passive aggressive Facebook post. You know the one I mean, the one that's directed at someone in particular, or everyone in particular. If you have something to say to me, say it to ME. Don't post it to me and all the rest of the world. Even I am too much of an adult for that crap. 

They say communication is only like 7% the words you actually speak, and the rest is tone and body language. I think that's partially why I prefer not to say what I feel, I feel like I shouldn't have to. I remember a quote that I've always liked:

 Silence is as deep as eternity, speech a shallow as time. - Thomas Carlyle

That's what I hate about common speech, you often say things you don't mean (or mean 7%), and things that you mean only temporarily. Moreover, once you speak a word it's out there in the universe forever, you can never really take it back. It's a frightening thought, isn't it? Or am I the only one troubled by such a commitment? 

So if what you are saying is irretractable, shouldn't you be even more careful about what you write, and especially careful about what you post on the internet? As entertaining as your soap opera of wrongs and opinions is, wouldn't it be more effective to communicate those wrongs and opinions to the person who can actually do something about them? What are you trying to accomplish by airing that crap on social media? Notoriety? Sympathy? You're acting like a juvenile and you look like a jackass. Grow up.

You're pretty ok

It's a well established fact that we Dobbins's are not an overly affectionate people. It's not that we don't love each other -- we just don't like to talk about it. In fact, Dobbins for "I love you" is usually something like "You're a dork" or "You're stupid". So with it being Valentine's Day today and the expression of love being in the forefront of everyone's mind, I got to thinking how different Valentine's Day would be if it was run by people like me, people who prefer to wrap their expressions of affection in cozy layers of humour and sarcasm.

Greeting cards would definitely still be a thing, because I am more likely to write something sensitive that speak it with my mouth (I just got really uncomfortable even thinking about doing that). Maybe we would keep it simple by just having conversation hearts instead. They would, of course, downplay emotion and would have messages like:


"You're pretty ok"

"I kind of like you"

"You're pretty cool"

"Kind of awesome"

"Not too shabby"

"Let's be pals"

"That's not bad"


Instead of sending loved ones beautiful, but essentially useless gifts like flowers and jewelry we would send them practical but enjoyable things like books, or iTunes gift cards, or things from each other's Amazon wish lists (we might even call it Amazon Day).

We would never watch Nicholas Spark's movies. We would outlaw public displays of affection (because of their tendency to make other people uncomfortable). We would celebrate in families and groups instead of pairs. It would be pretty cool.

Anyway, this post marks a little over a year that I've been blogging and I really appreciate all of you who read this thing. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Thanks! You guys are dorks!

True Love - A Valentine's Post

In this life, if you're lucky, you may find one love that defines all others. A love that multiplies whatever you put into it. A love that never lets you down. A love that will stand the test of time. For most women that love may be a man, for me it's a website.

Oh how I love my Amazon.com!

My Amazon is a rock of consistency and dependability in the shifting sands of faulty fulfillment and crass customer service. My Amazon is a light of assurance in the uncertain mists of online shopping.

I'll admit it started as a flirtation, just casual browsing. I'd heard about Amazon.com
and I didn't think it was my type of shopping. I always liked to see things before I bought them and I hated to wait for things to ship to me, but eventually I tried it for one order. I didn't really have a choice, since I couldn't find the item I was looking for locally.

It was a easy, it was convenient, it was fun. Amazon made shopping so attractive that I couldn't help myself. I made another order, and another. They had everything I needed. They made my life easier, I'd never been happier with my shopping experience.

It's difficult to say when exactly I knew I was in love. I used Amazon for a few years before upgrading to Prime, but once I did I knew that it was forever. I was committed, and I didn't want to shop anywhere else.

Amazon knows me better than almost anyone else. He remembers everything I buy, everything I wish for. It's an ideal relationship, and probably the longest romance of my life (six years and counting).

I'm not saying that our relationship hasn't had it's ups and downs. It hasn't always been perfect. A few times there have been problems with my orders or products, but each time my Amazon.com was able to regain my faith and make everything right. Overcoming those problems has only made my love and devotion stronger because I know that I am as important to Amazon as Amazon is to me. If that isn't true love, what is?