10 Reasons NOT to Become a Mother

For Mother's Day I was going to write a post all about my mom, but Sally caught wind of the idea and insisted that I NOT do that. Instead she proposed the topic "Reasons not to become a mother". It was such a good idea that I couldn't pass it up! Per the suggestion of my wonderful mother, here (in no particular order) are 10 good reasons NOT to become a mother:

What if your child is a serial killer?

• Your kids will grow up to be huge disappointments. Believe me -- I've heard all about it. I have it on good authority that your kids will never grow up and live up to the expectations that you had for them as innocent little babies. You might not even like them as adults! They might not like you. They'll probably marry someone you hate. They'll probably drop out of school. They'll probably put you in a nursing home and never visit. They'll probably end up in prison. Behind every loser, murderer, and jerk that you know is (most likely) a disappointed mother.

• Your kids stop being cute (assuming they were ever cute to begin with). Those pudgy little faces and the cute, sassy little things they say become a lot less cute and a lot more sassy as they get older. I bet it was cute when your little four-year old put her hands on her hips and gave back talk.... let me tell you that same back talk is not cute from a fourteen-year old.

• You have to make healthy meals. Do you really want to start eating vegetables every day? It is your responsibility as a mother to provide healthy and nourishing meals to your brood. That means you need to eat healthy and nourishing meals too, unless you plan on cooking two dinners (good luck with that).

• You have to clean up ten times as many messes. You suddenly have ten times as many errands to run, ten times as much laundry to do, and ten times as many dishes to wash! Also - diapers! Enough said.

• You'll have to clean up your act. Kids are like sponges and you better believe they will absorb any little wrong thing they witness you say or do. Are you really ready to be a role model? Just wait until they repeat your favorite four letter word in front of a teacher. Just wait until your little tikes run off and tell your mother-in-law what you've been saying about her.

• It may cost you your girlish figure. Whether you actually give birth to a baby or not, once you have to start running around after a bunch of rug rats your diet and exercise plan will be shot. Who has time for the gym? Soon you'll be munching down Cheerios between meals and sneaking slurps from a sippy cup just like all the other moms on the block.

• Kids are why you can't have nice things. Mostly because who can afford nice things once you start popping out babies? Kids are the biggest expense of your life. They also ruin everything they touch. Kids have about the same level of grace and coordination as giraffes on roller skates or an eager Jennifer Lawrence climbing stairs at the Academy Awards. With their sticky little hands and their clumsy little feet, kids will unwittingly (or wittingly depending on how bratty they are) destroy anything nice or valuable in your house.

• You will have to watch cartoons/ play games/ go places that you don't want to because you have to do it for the kids. You may even have to put aside the fact that you don't want to get a dog and just get one because it's for the kids. How many times do you really want to watch Dora the Explorer or play Candy Land?

• Sooner or later your kids are going to embarrass you in a public setting by either spilling bodily fluids all over someone, throwing a tantrum, or just saying something that makes you look bad. It might not even be your fault. For example, I remember when my little sister (at roughly age 4) embarrassed my mom the first time she saw an African-American. We were at a store in Great Falls, Montana and loudly, after my mom was assisted by an African-American lady, Erin asked "Mom, do we like black people now?" Naturally, my mom was mortified, and to this day I'm still not sure where Erin got the idea that my mom didn't like black people.

• You are officially tied down. You can probably say goodbye to that dream of living in Italy, of becoming an Olympic gymnast, of just going out on a Friday night on a whim. You are a parent. You have responsibilities, you have roots, you can no longer be a rolling stone. You need to plan ahead. You need to move to the suburbs. You need to get a mini-van.

If you're already a mother, then I'm afraid you're stuck. Instead I guess you better enjoy your flowers and hope that your kids don't grow up to become jerks. Happy Mother's Day all!