Are you tired of trying to make friends and ready to make some enemies? Have you ever wished for more opportunities to offend people? If so, this new segment of the blog is intended especially for jerks like you. I am calling it "How to Make Enemies", and each "How to Make Enemies" portion will provide helpful tips for jerkness in day to day life. Today we are focusing on movie etiquette, in particular, how to make people hate you while watching a movie in the theatre.
Talking
This one should be fairly obvious, but it's worth discussing just the same. People HATE it when you talk during movies. It's rude, it's selfish, it's obnoxious, and it's sure to win you some enemies. This is particularly effective in the theatre where those around have actually paid their hard earned cash to watch. If you persist on talking through the movie (even after being hushed) you can be pretty confident that your neighbors will be wishing your immediate demise before the end of the feature.
Babies
Of course, there is always the chance that you will not be able to generate enough noise to be sufficiantly annoying on your own, in which case I recommend bringing along a baby (if you have one handy). You may certainly depend upon a baby soiling itself, and crying during a long, and loud movie. Your neighbors will appreciate neither the aroma, nor the commotion. If you're lucky there's a good chance that the baby is going to be miffed with you as well.
Phones
If you want to make a genuine ass out of yourself at a movie theatre then what could be more fitting than to ignore the 20 different warnings shown on the big screen right before you movie starts? Go ahead, leave your phone on, feel free to text! Your lack of common courtesy will be completely undefendable. Now THAT is a 1st class jerk move.
Kicking Back
Movies are long, so naturally you want to be comfortable. If you want to be comfortable during a movie then some would say that the obvious solution is to stay at home. For those of us to prefer to take the road less traveled, the solution is to kick back in the theatre as if it were our home. We spread out and put our feet up on the seat in front of us. This move is guaranteed to make the people seated in front of you absolutely loathe you, and also potentially get you in trouble with the theatre staff (happened to a friend of mine).
Up & Down / Musical Chairs
If none of the above tips have proven irritating enough to alienate your fellow movie goers then I have one sure-fire tip left for you: move around! Get up, sit down, get up again. Change seats, make countless bathroom trips (more than once per feature). It's nearly as disruptive for your neighbors as it is for you, and is sure to have them cursing you under their breath.
Bonus Irritant: Clapping
This apparently only annoys me, but you could also perform the senseless and obnoxious act of clapping after or during the movie. Clapping? Why clap for a movie? It's not like the performers can HEAR you. Who exactly are you clapping for??
In conclusion, it is my hope that you have found these ideas helpful in your quest for jerkship, and that you will be able to make many, many enemies. Stay tuned for more ways to make enemies.
All of these things, minus the clapping, can be applied to plays as well. Pretty sure we experienced most of this at Annie. Haha.
ReplyDeleteI would like to make an addition/helpful tip. All babies grow up, hopefully, and when that happens they stop with the crying fits and soiling themselves. When that happens, make sure your toddler/child has a certain affinity towards strangers. Not to a point of it being dangerous, but just to a point of running up and grabbing/touching the closest one to you. (Sticky fingers is a plus, so wet naps can be a thing of the past now.) This usually puts people off enough to give a glare or rude remark. :)
I love it when you pull from personal experience to share valuable insights. Sticky handed children groping strangers are guaranteed to make people hate you :)
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