A crucial dating tip for "nice guys".

I know that I dispense a presumptuous amount of dating and relationship advice for someone who always has unsuccessful relationships, but there's something that's been bugging me and I've just got vent it out. I am sick and tired of hearing guys complain about girls not liking "nice guys". Please! Really? You really think women don't want to date you because you're too nice? Keep reading.

I promise, the majority of women are not turning away fun, attractive men for being "too nice". I promise, that's not what's happening. Of course, if being "nice" is ALL you've got going for you, then you may have a challenge. If that's the case then I don't think you can expect any more success than girls who are "really sweet" but otherwise unattractive. You see, it's a two way street - neither gender wants to date someone they are not attracted to, but no one wants to look like a jerk by saying so. Being "too nice" is just a "nice" way to reject someone. You have to admit - it does sound better than telling someone they are repulsive. You could be the nicest guy in the world, but if I don't want to kiss you then our romantic future is bleak.

Of course attraction isn't always the reason that a girl doesn't want to date you. You really don't have to be a male model to attract a girl. If you are charming and personable you will do more than well for yourself in the dating scene.

The real problem here is that we use the word "nice" to cover all positive interpersonal traits. Think about it - kind, considerate, friendly, helpful, understanding, attentive, etc. - nice is not only synonymous with all of them, we use (or misuse) it to mean all of those things at the same time! After all, a person can be kind without being attentive. A person can be friendly without being understanding. The other thing to consider is that even though these are all viewed as positive qualities - positive is relative. What some people like, other people hate. What some people value, others abhor.

If a girl doesn't want to date you because you are "too nice" she might actually just not want to date you because you are too attentive (clingy), or too accommodating (doormat) - she may like all your other "nice" qualities. However, she will be afraid of telling you she finds this unattractive because she doesn't want to be the jerk. Instead she'll probably let you believe you are "too nice" or "too good". It's a cop out.

Trust me, nobody is going to break up with you for being too great. You might be too much of a lot of things, but nice is not one of hem. So nice guys- don't be deceived by the politeness of the women rejecting you. Keep being nice, but try to be more than that if you possibly can. 

A final thought.

Being Single is AMAZING

Love. Isn't love great? We dream about it, we sing about it, we search for it, we wait for it, and (if all those songs and movies and annoying proverbs are to be believed) we aren't complete without it. Although, as someone who could probably be single professionally, I have to say I don't feel all that incomplete. Heck, I'd even go as far as to say I'm a whole person!! 

It is easy though, to feel like there's something wrong with you when everyone around is happily coupled. Yes, it can sure get you down, but there's no need for that! Sure, being coupled is grand - but it has its drawbacks (in relationships they call them "compromises"). It's time to open your eyes to some of benefits of being single, childless, and blissfully alone.

Reasons why being single is AWESOME:

• You can watch whatever TV shows or listen to whatever music you want!

We all think that when we find that special someone they are going to like all the same stuff that we like. Our minds are filled with rose colored images of us road tripping with our honey to our favourite tunes, or snuggled-up eternally to the all the same shows on Netflix. In reality, those fantasies are nuts!! The odds of you and your one and only enjoying all the same shows are laughable. What's far more likely is you mentally punching yourself in the face through Dumb and Dumber and him complaining all the way through Pride and Prejudice. Sooner or later you may have to endure that, but for now relish the opportunity of never having to watch something you don't enjoy and watching as much Hart of Dixie as your heart desires completely judgment free.

• The. best. sleep. of. your. life.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get any decent sleep with someone else in the bed with you? They throw off the sleep temperature, they hog the covers, they make you feel bad if you toss and turn. They like to watch TV until they doze off, even though you can't close your eyes when the TV is on, or vice versa. And if you marry a snorer you can just forget about ever feeling well rested again. Seriously, you will find yourself fantasizing about holding a pillow over their head... just until the noise stops... just until you can hear yourself think again. So sleep up now, enjoy the luxury of spreading out, or hogging the covers while you can.

• It's your money (or time/hair/clothes - fill in your own noun) and you want it now!!

You work hard for your money and you want to spend it the way you feel like spending it. When you settle down with that special someone your stuff (including your money) is no longer just yours or theirs, meaning they get a say in whatever you buy. Right now if you want to blow $150 on Amazon.com in a moment of distress it's nobody's business but your own.

• More time for your friends.

You know how you can tell when your friends are dating someone? They suddenly drop off the face of the Earth. You do the same thing when you get in a relationship. You blow off your friends and all of your time is consumed by your other half. It's annoying. Well you are annoying no more, because you are blissfully single. You have all the time in the world to hang with your peeps and have a good time.

• Secret crushes, first kisses, and the excitement of new romance.

Love is great, it really is. And when you see tiny old people holding hands and still happily together after like a hundred years, your heart just melts. Loving, committed relationships are sweet, and safe, and comfortable, like an old sweater. Comfort is a great thing, but let's not undersell the excitement of something *NEW*. The beginning stages of a relationship are often the most exciting. Like when you are crushing, (ooooooh I LOVE the crush stage) where you aren't quite sure if they like you too and you get excited every time they walk your way or your phone buzzes in case it's finally them asking you out. So many exciting firsts - the first time they smile at you, the first date, the first kiss. Enjoy those firsts while you can, because sooner or later you will be experiencing your last first kiss.

The list goes on and on.... Seriously, we singles have a lot going for us! Sure, you couples have the kids, and the Valentine's flowers, and the holiday engagements, but we aren't too bitter about it. Sometime we'll probably get tied down too, so in the meantime we will make the most of what singledom (singlehood? singleness?) has to offer.

How To Make Enemies: At Concerts

If you follow my Facebook posts at all then you know that I like concerts. I've attended quite a few so far this year and when looking at the experiences with my special jerk vision I believe I've spotted a few new ways to make people absolutely loathe you in public settings.


Get drunk and LOUD
Because everyone knows that you're about hundred times funnier when you're drunk, right?? Wrong. The more you drink, the louder you get, and the fainter your inhibitions become. If you're not familiar, inhibitions are those things that prevent you from looking like an idiot and behaving like a jackass. Once those are removed from the equation there's pretty much nothing stopping you from making yourself the most hated person in the arena. Oh yeah, you'll have people hanging on your every word.. and plotting creative ways to choke you out.

PDA
I am not even kidding when I say that at the Kenny Chesney concert earlier this year there was a couple 5 feet away from me (5 FEET!!!) that were pretty much about to have sex. Fortunately, they left the area before they got past PG-13 territory, but the groping and saliva swapping was - as Sally would put it - a little "too familiar" for those of us who didn't come to the concert as a per-cursor to an adult film. I know that you're drunk, I know that you find music romantic, but seriously get a radio and a room before I throw up on you.

Touch me
You know what I like? Being touched by complete strangers - ideally drunk, loud ones that spill beer on me. If you can throw in questionable hygiene you'll totally make my night! I know it's crowded, but under no circumstances should a stranger wittingly put their hands on my shoulders and talk to me. And yet, here we are - blogging about how much we hate those people and how much we wish someone would "lay hands" on them.

Block my view
"Oh no, that's fine. Stand right in front of me. It's not like I wanted to see the band or anything"
 
It's not rocket science: I'm short. If you're tall, and you stand right in front of me, I will not be able to see anything. Show me how little you care about whether I can see or not by blocking my view and you will most assuredly incur my wrath. Just because I bought a general admission ticket, doesn't mean I don't care about being able to see. 

Act like a total dick in the parking lot
This is my personal favourite, because it is the most likely to result in a homicide. I know you're in a hurry to get home, I'd like to get home too. Is your time really soooooo valuable and are you sooooooo important that you really can't wait your effing turn in line?? Who do these people think they are? When people are so selfish and rude in parking lots that they won't even let one person merge in front of them, or they cut me someone who has been waiting their turn off it makes me want to talk with my fingers... and my harsh words... and sometimes my fists.

Burning Tears of Rage: My Comcast Experience

I cried today. I'm not an emotional person, and I don't cry often, but today I cried. Not tears of sadness, but burning tears of rage. I am one of those highly logical people that likes my emotions buried deep beneath the surface. I have found this to be an extremely effective way to function in life. There are times (maybe once or twice a year) that my emotions spill over and I get so worked up that I will actually cry because I am so angry!!

That's right - real anger makes me tear up like a big baby. Fortunately, I am pretty hard to legitimately infuriate. I'm easy to annoy, I'm easy to aggravate, I'm easy to displease, and sometimes easy to provoke, but you really have to be trying in order to incur my wrath. I don't like being mad, it's emotionally exhausting, it's mostly unproductive, and it's rarely humorous or witty. I avoid it at all costs, and like to think that I stay pretty cool most of the time. However, when I do get angry, I get really angry. Emotionally, I turn green, burst through my clothes, and start smashing stuff. That's what happened today.

I moved a couple months ago, and took my internet service with me - Comcast. I'd heard some bad things about Comcast before, but they were the fastest internet available in my area so I signed on with them in early 2012 and never had any issues... until now.

There are a couple things that I pride myself on as a consumer. First, I always pay my bill (usually on time and in full). Second, I am really reasonable and don't kick up a fuss about reasonable charges. Third, I always give a company a chance to make things right. In return for these three fantastic customer attributes I expect really outstanding service and for companies to deliver exactly what they promise.

Even though Comcast is expensive (some would say overpriced), I was willing to pay for what I saw as a good product and good service. Not that I've ever really had to rely on their service before for any real issues, but if I don't have any issues I just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your service is good. I was wrong about Comcast though, their service is not good and they don't appreciate their customers.

So back to the story, I moved a couple months ago and when I did I had to kind of open a new account for my new address. I got it all set up and during set up (over the phone) I opted for e-billing (I hate getting bills in the mail, who reads them?). Strangely enough, I have never received a bill from Comcast since moving (although I have gotten some junk mail). Now, to my own accountability I should have followed up, but I'm a busy girl and I never found the time. Instead I have just continued paying (consistently, every month) a little more than I was paying before I moved, because I knew my rate was going up a little. I figured if it was wrong they would let me know. Well this week they did... to the tune of $168.00.

It all started yesterday when I received several missed calls from an unknown 800 number - no voicemails. After work I called the number back and learned that it was Comcast. They connected me to any automated system that told me that I owed Comcast $168.00. As you can imagine, I was surprised and unhappy - a large portion of this charge was for a small overdue sum on an earlier bill. Again, I was unhappy, but no tears. I just figured it was right and that I would need to contact them about getting my bills delivered in the future, but I'd pay up in the mean time. Now I had sent my usual payment of $50.00 on Monday, so I logged onto my Wells Fargo Bill Pay and sent an additional $120.00 yesterday. Lesson learned, I thought that was the end of it.

Today I got another call from the 800 number. This time I answered, just to let them know the payment was sent. I spoke with a collections agent. If you've ever had a collections call you know that the agents aren't known for being especially nice. This guy was no exception. He wanted my $168.00. I explained (several times) that I had already sent the payment in two parts that week. I get the feeling he didn't believe me (come on, the checks in the mail) because he would simply retort (several times) that he didn't see any payments on my account from me this week. I offered to give him transaction numbers as proof, but he didn't want them - he did want me to make a minimum payment of at least $65.00 today in order to avoid an "interruption of my service". Like I said, so many times before, I have already sent $170 this week! I didn't have the inclination OR the money to send any more.

So I gave up and told him he can go ahead and interrupt my service, would they just turn everything back on when they process my payments (in the next day or so)? Yes, he assured me... with a re-activation fee. That didn't go over well, and this is where I began to cry.

Didn't it make any difference that I had never actually gone a month without making a payment (albeit in the wrong amount)? Didn't my excellent payment history with Comcast mean anything? To the first question, it made no difference. I had a balance that was over 30 days overdue so I had to pay. To the second question, he kindly let me know that it did make a difference, that was why my service hadn't been discontinued yet.

At this point I got a little too choked up to talk and had to take a minute. I asked him why, if my payment was over 30 days overdue, I hadn't received a call or notice before now. He said (and this was the kicker for me) that they could see I was a good customer from my payment history and they don't like to harass their good customers. Apparently, instead they like to wait until the payment is over 30 days overdue and then call (after stacking on substantial late fees) and threaten to turn off their internet. Fantastic service!!!

I said (in essence) thanks for nothing, and ended the call - I needed some time to get my emotions under control. I cried it out a little. As I dried my eyes of the tears of fury I felt calmer. I waited a little while and then called back for round two.

I was calmer and more prepared this time. I rang in and asked immediately for a supervisor. The guy on the phone assured me he could handle me - even after I told him I was irate, disgruntled, and wanting to cancel service - and I told him my story. To put it delicately, he was a total douche. I told him sending me to collections without any other sort of communication when I have been an outstanding customer made me really unhappy. He told me that they hadn't sent me to "collections" on account of my great history, and just sent me instead to their internal collections department. I said that didn't make a difference to me - he interrupt to say it surely did make a difference, as it wouldn't affect my credit and I should be grateful for that. That did it for me - I told him I was ready to cancel service. He gladly transferred me to cancellations.

Here in cancellations I spoke for the first time to someone who apologized. She was very sorry about the way I was treated, she wanted to save me as a customer. I explained why I was so dissatisfied and felt my treatment was unmerited. After all I had been sending payments and hadn't received a bill. It was an honest mistake! She said "well, in our defense - you are over 30 days overdue". That didn't help me, I was crying again. 

The nice part about crying when you're angry is that it really confuses the people you're mad at. Seriously, they have no idea how to respond. Do they comfort you? Do they keep acting like a jerk? Do they stop what they are doing and find a box of tissues? It doesn't matter because whatever they do will be wrong, and will make you more angry until you're all cried out.

She offered to reduce my bill for the next few months (still higher than I will be paying with Century Link). I told her my internet service and speed hasn't even been that good in my new place (just let me stream, for the love of Mike!!). "Well, it should be, it's the fastest available. If you have problems you should have contacted tech support."

That was the deathblow. I told her I wanted to cancel my service. She asked if there was anything they could do to change my mind. I laughed. When did I want them to cancel service? "As soon as possible" I said, "I don't want to pay you one more dollar."

So that is the story of how, starting tomorrow, I will be without home internet for a while. Sometime next week Century Link will be set up. Was I hasty? Perhaps. Sometimes anger makes us feisty (not that I need help with that). I'm at peace with my decision though. The anger is past, and I won't be shedding any tears tonight!

5 Reasons Why Cemeteries Are Better Than Parks

Maybe it's my lack of social skills, or maybe it's my jerky attitude, but I think I found my new summer hang out - the cemetery. For most people the park may seem like the obvious choice for summer fun, but I can tell you right now that cemeteries have parks beat in almost every possible way. Here are 5 off the top of my head:

• Peace and quiet. Have you ever tried to relax at a park in the summer? It's nearly impossible because in the summer parks are always crowded. Unless the weather is terrible you pretty never have the park to yourself. Cemeteries, on the other hand, are very rarely busy (a couple holidays out of the year) and are incredibly restful. There's something about death that makes reflection on life so much easier. The birds chirp just as much at the cemetery as at the park, the sky is just as blue, and sun is just as warm, but you can have it all to yourself.

• No kids. If you have read any of my other posts then you should know by now that pretty much any environment is improved by the absence of bratty, unattended children screaming and touching everything. Fortunately, you rarely encounter  unsupervised children at a cemetery. They don't like to play there a lot. If they are at a cemetery their parent's keep them on a tight leash, and they don't hang around for long. For some reason, the cemetery is not a hot spot for family night...

• No dogs. I love dogs, but sometimes I hate their owners. Some dog owners don't seem to understand that a park is a shared area and it's common courtesy to pick up after your pet, or keep it from eating other people's picnics. You never see dogs roaming around the cemetery, you never step in their little "surprises". 

• No litter. I know that we pay taxes for the upkeep of city parks, but the city can't keep up with the sloppy, thoughtless d-bags who are always littering the place up. Honestly, people are SO LAZY. Lazy people use the park, but they are too lazy to visit the cemetery. Which means the rest of us can enjoy the cemetery's well kept up greens and trash-free grass. We just try not to think about all the dead bodies underneath ;) 

• Headstones make good reading material. This might sound morbid - but dead people are cool. It's cool to check out the headstones and see who is buried there. It's fascinating to read the names, compare stones, and guess relations, to look at the birth and death dates and think about the life that happened between. To look at the memorials and the messages that have been aged and worn by time and weather and think about the love that inspired them. To think about remembrance - the one thing we all want when we pass on - and try to give the dead the remembrance they and their families wanted. You can't be bored at a cemetery, there is too much scope for the imagination.

I'm telling you, graveyards are where it's at! If you don't believe me - good, keep using the park...

10 Reasons NOT to Become a Mother

For Mother's Day I was going to write a post all about my mom, but Sally caught wind of the idea and insisted that I NOT do that. Instead she proposed the topic "Reasons not to become a mother". It was such a good idea that I couldn't pass it up! Per the suggestion of my wonderful mother, here (in no particular order) are 10 good reasons NOT to become a mother:

What if your child is a serial killer?

• Your kids will grow up to be huge disappointments. Believe me -- I've heard all about it. I have it on good authority that your kids will never grow up and live up to the expectations that you had for them as innocent little babies. You might not even like them as adults! They might not like you. They'll probably marry someone you hate. They'll probably drop out of school. They'll probably put you in a nursing home and never visit. They'll probably end up in prison. Behind every loser, murderer, and jerk that you know is (most likely) a disappointed mother.

• Your kids stop being cute (assuming they were ever cute to begin with). Those pudgy little faces and the cute, sassy little things they say become a lot less cute and a lot more sassy as they get older. I bet it was cute when your little four-year old put her hands on her hips and gave back talk.... let me tell you that same back talk is not cute from a fourteen-year old.

• You have to make healthy meals. Do you really want to start eating vegetables every day? It is your responsibility as a mother to provide healthy and nourishing meals to your brood. That means you need to eat healthy and nourishing meals too, unless you plan on cooking two dinners (good luck with that).

• You have to clean up ten times as many messes. You suddenly have ten times as many errands to run, ten times as much laundry to do, and ten times as many dishes to wash! Also - diapers! Enough said.

• You'll have to clean up your act. Kids are like sponges and you better believe they will absorb any little wrong thing they witness you say or do. Are you really ready to be a role model? Just wait until they repeat your favorite four letter word in front of a teacher. Just wait until your little tikes run off and tell your mother-in-law what you've been saying about her.

• It may cost you your girlish figure. Whether you actually give birth to a baby or not, once you have to start running around after a bunch of rug rats your diet and exercise plan will be shot. Who has time for the gym? Soon you'll be munching down Cheerios between meals and sneaking slurps from a sippy cup just like all the other moms on the block.

• Kids are why you can't have nice things. Mostly because who can afford nice things once you start popping out babies? Kids are the biggest expense of your life. They also ruin everything they touch. Kids have about the same level of grace and coordination as giraffes on roller skates or an eager Jennifer Lawrence climbing stairs at the Academy Awards. With their sticky little hands and their clumsy little feet, kids will unwittingly (or wittingly depending on how bratty they are) destroy anything nice or valuable in your house.

• You will have to watch cartoons/ play games/ go places that you don't want to because you have to do it for the kids. You may even have to put aside the fact that you don't want to get a dog and just get one because it's for the kids. How many times do you really want to watch Dora the Explorer or play Candy Land?

• Sooner or later your kids are going to embarrass you in a public setting by either spilling bodily fluids all over someone, throwing a tantrum, or just saying something that makes you look bad. It might not even be your fault. For example, I remember when my little sister (at roughly age 4) embarrassed my mom the first time she saw an African-American. We were at a store in Great Falls, Montana and loudly, after my mom was assisted by an African-American lady, Erin asked "Mom, do we like black people now?" Naturally, my mom was mortified, and to this day I'm still not sure where Erin got the idea that my mom didn't like black people.

• You are officially tied down. You can probably say goodbye to that dream of living in Italy, of becoming an Olympic gymnast, of just going out on a Friday night on a whim. You are a parent. You have responsibilities, you have roots, you can no longer be a rolling stone. You need to plan ahead. You need to move to the suburbs. You need to get a mini-van.

If you're already a mother, then I'm afraid you're stuck. Instead I guess you better enjoy your flowers and hope that your kids don't grow up to become jerks. Happy Mother's Day all!

Non-Consensual Tickling: No Means NO!

I have had far too many conversations about this subject lately to not address it with a blog post. Society needs to acknowledge and amend the problem of non-consensual tickling. For some reason guys like to use tickling as (what we assume they believe to be) a clever way to get handsy with a girl without actually making a move. 

I suppose guys do this because they think it is cute. Of course it is not cute -- it's juvenile. Maybe it was cute when I was a 14 year old girl -- I can't really remember. But I am not a 14 year old girl anymore, so unless you're a 14 year old boy you should stop trying to tickle the girl you are dating. If it's just an excuse to get handsy, why don't you just get handsy instead? If I'm going to shoot you down for getting handsy, I'm going to shoot you down for tickling too.

Besides the fact that it's annoying, there's a bigger issue. Guys don't know how to tickle. They don't seem to understand that it involves only light pressure and some finesse. When they "tickle" you they are actually forcefully jabbing your sides with iron fingers. It hurts! I'm not wreathing and trying to wriggle away because I'm ticklish, I'm doing it because I'm in pain! Here's a hint about tickling: it shouldn't leave bruises. If it leaves a permanent mark you're doing it wrong.

The final and greatest problem is that when you tell a guy to stop tickling you they never listen. Rather, they take that as encouragement to persist! I'm not being coy or coquettish, I genuinely don't want to be tickled. Think of my middle as a touch-with-permission-only-zone. No means NO! If I ask you to stop you should really stop! We shouldn't need a freaking safe word! If you find a girl who is into that great -- knock yourself out! Just make sure the tickling is consensual. Tickle rape is wrong.

What are you trying to say?

This is a passive aggressive rant about passive aggressive rants. It's not addressed at any one person in particular, and I don't care if it sounds hypocritical. If you have something to say, say it. I'm baring my troubled soul, don't read further if you don't want to hear some cold, hard opinions.

Goodness knows I hate confrontation -- nobody hates emotional confrontation as much as I do! When faced with such an encounter I experience a high level of stress and anxiety, particularly when emotions are concerned. It's not as much of an issue in a professional setting, because in a professional setting no confrontation is (or should be) personal. It's logical, it's practical, it's business. But everything in your personal life is personal, if it wasn't it wouldn't be there. I avoid potential encounters and the anxiety that accompanies them. I'm not good at coping with it.  

This flaw in my personality has lead to a tendency toward passive aggression. I'm a note leaver, door slammer, sarcasm speaker, under my breath talker, eye roller, rant writer, and occasional pushover when I feel like it is really just not worth the confrontation. Very few things in my personal life are worth that price. I buy things I don't want to buy, I go places I don't want to go, I have even dated people I didn't really want to date. It's a problem, but one I'm trying to deal with.

Nobody likes to disappoint others, nobody wants to be a jerk, but I've never really found a way to separate feeling like a jerk from telling someone no. Society grooms us to feel that way. I shouldn't have to apologize for my opinions, my preferences, or my disinterest.... but I feel like I should. 

But even greater than I my loathing of confrontation is my abhorrence of the passive aggressive Facebook post. You know the one I mean, the one that's directed at someone in particular, or everyone in particular. If you have something to say to me, say it to ME. Don't post it to me and all the rest of the world. Even I am too much of an adult for that crap. 

They say communication is only like 7% the words you actually speak, and the rest is tone and body language. I think that's partially why I prefer not to say what I feel, I feel like I shouldn't have to. I remember a quote that I've always liked:

 Silence is as deep as eternity, speech a shallow as time. - Thomas Carlyle

That's what I hate about common speech, you often say things you don't mean (or mean 7%), and things that you mean only temporarily. Moreover, once you speak a word it's out there in the universe forever, you can never really take it back. It's a frightening thought, isn't it? Or am I the only one troubled by such a commitment? 

So if what you are saying is irretractable, shouldn't you be even more careful about what you write, and especially careful about what you post on the internet? As entertaining as your soap opera of wrongs and opinions is, wouldn't it be more effective to communicate those wrongs and opinions to the person who can actually do something about them? What are you trying to accomplish by airing that crap on social media? Notoriety? Sympathy? You're acting like a juvenile and you look like a jackass. Grow up.

You're pretty ok

It's a well established fact that we Dobbins's are not an overly affectionate people. It's not that we don't love each other -- we just don't like to talk about it. In fact, Dobbins for "I love you" is usually something like "You're a dork" or "You're stupid". So with it being Valentine's Day today and the expression of love being in the forefront of everyone's mind, I got to thinking how different Valentine's Day would be if it was run by people like me, people who prefer to wrap their expressions of affection in cozy layers of humour and sarcasm.

Greeting cards would definitely still be a thing, because I am more likely to write something sensitive that speak it with my mouth (I just got really uncomfortable even thinking about doing that). Maybe we would keep it simple by just having conversation hearts instead. They would, of course, downplay emotion and would have messages like:


"You're pretty ok"

"I kind of like you"

"You're pretty cool"

"Kind of awesome"

"Not too shabby"

"Let's be pals"

"That's not bad"


Instead of sending loved ones beautiful, but essentially useless gifts like flowers and jewelry we would send them practical but enjoyable things like books, or iTunes gift cards, or things from each other's Amazon wish lists (we might even call it Amazon Day).

We would never watch Nicholas Spark's movies. We would outlaw public displays of affection (because of their tendency to make other people uncomfortable). We would celebrate in families and groups instead of pairs. It would be pretty cool.

Anyway, this post marks a little over a year that I've been blogging and I really appreciate all of you who read this thing. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Thanks! You guys are dorks!

True Love - A Valentine's Post

In this life, if you're lucky, you may find one love that defines all others. A love that multiplies whatever you put into it. A love that never lets you down. A love that will stand the test of time. For most women that love may be a man, for me it's a website.

Oh how I love my Amazon.com!

My Amazon is a rock of consistency and dependability in the shifting sands of faulty fulfillment and crass customer service. My Amazon is a light of assurance in the uncertain mists of online shopping.

I'll admit it started as a flirtation, just casual browsing. I'd heard about Amazon.com
and I didn't think it was my type of shopping. I always liked to see things before I bought them and I hated to wait for things to ship to me, but eventually I tried it for one order. I didn't really have a choice, since I couldn't find the item I was looking for locally.

It was a easy, it was convenient, it was fun. Amazon made shopping so attractive that I couldn't help myself. I made another order, and another. They had everything I needed. They made my life easier, I'd never been happier with my shopping experience.

It's difficult to say when exactly I knew I was in love. I used Amazon for a few years before upgrading to Prime, but once I did I knew that it was forever. I was committed, and I didn't want to shop anywhere else.

Amazon knows me better than almost anyone else. He remembers everything I buy, everything I wish for. It's an ideal relationship, and probably the longest romance of my life (six years and counting).

I'm not saying that our relationship hasn't had it's ups and downs. It hasn't always been perfect. A few times there have been problems with my orders or products, but each time my Amazon.com was able to regain my faith and make everything right. Overcoming those problems has only made my love and devotion stronger because I know that I am as important to Amazon as Amazon is to me. If that isn't true love, what is?

I hate Santa movies.

I hate Santa movies. I love Christmas. I love giving gifts. I love traditions. I love Christmas stories. I hate Santa movies!!

I know it makes me sound Grinchy, but I just don't care. I like a good Christmas movie but Santa movies are just so stupid. I'll tell you what the problem is, they are all the same. SPOILER ALERT - I am about to tell you the basic plot of pretty much every Santa movie you have ever seen or will ever see.

The Santa Plot:
After many years of faithful service Santa is getting ready to retire and needs to find a permanent replacement, enter the proposed new Santa who is unwilling but changes his mind just in time to deliver the toys on Christmas Eve OR it's Christmas Eve and Santa has for some reason been incapacitated (perhaps most enjoyably in Ernest Saves Christmas which is a combination of the two plots) and someone needs to fill in for him and save Christmas.

Aside from the lack of originality, I have a couple major issues with these plots. Being Christian, I am not a fan of what a flood of movies featuring a fat man giving delivering gifts as the lynch pin and sole purpose of the the Christmas holiday does for commercialism.

Even if you are not Christian there is a lot in the Christmas season that you can respect and enjoy. There's a focus on generosity, on love, on service. These are all good things, regardless of what your beliefs are. Of course, if children don't have lots of new presents to open on December 25th then Christmas is ruined, right? WRONG! What the hell kind of message is that anyway?? These movies offer no value, unlike many of the non-Santa Christmas movies, such as It's a Wonderful Life.

Of course there are probably Santa movies that are the exception (that is to say not completely stupid, pointless and mind-numbingly predictable) but the only one that comes to mind is Miracle on 34th Street.

Those are my thoughts, hopefully my crappy attitude doesn't land me on the naughty list! Regardless, I can promise you that Christmas will not be ruined if I don't have presents to open on Christmas morning.

James Bond - The Ultimate Jerk.

First of all you need to know that I have put a lot of thought into this post. I have carefully considered all of the opinions which I am about to present, and I have done a fair amount of much enjoyed research.

I love James Bond movies! Perhaps the reason I like the character so much is that I think he might be the ultimate jerk. He acts according to his own purposes regardless of how it affects other individuals. It sounds harsh - but what do you expect from a spy? He is not a man without loyalty, but I suppose in some ways he is a man without conscience. He doesn't care about how he is perceived. He kills anyone he deems necessary without remorse. He lies, he uses people, he breaks the rules. He's awesome! Certainly no role model - but such a stud... and such a jerk!


I have seen all the Bond movies. I have enjoyed them each. I can appreciate the unique contributions to the character from each of the actors who portrayed the infamous MI6 agent (except maybe Timothy Dalton who was just pretty awful). So you will know that I realize the magnitude of the statement when I say that my favourite Bond is Daniel Craig!



I know, I know, it's almost unthinkable to prefer anyone to Sean Connery - but there you have it. I like the Craig Bond best for a number of well prepared reasons which you are about to hear. Before I lay it all out I do want to be clear that I love Sean Connery's Bond. I think he is the absolute in suave and no one could top his performance on that front (although Pierce Brosnan gave it a good shot). But I still like Craig better as 007. Here are my reasons (not necessarily in order of relevance).

Oh my!!

1. Daniel Craig is hot! I mean smoking hot!! Hotter than any of the other Bond actors combined (sorry women my mom's age who are now offended on behalf of Pierce Brosnan) -- and I realize that most  of them were really very attractive. He's got that fabulous physique that just doesn't let up. Hes got that rugged yet charming smirk (best when surrounded blonde stubble). He's got those cold, cold, piercing, blue eyes. When he gets really angry, or worked up on screen his face gets a little flushed and his eyes get brighter and sharper and become positively steely! It makes my blood turn cold, then hot, then cold again.

2. Daniel Craig's Bond is kick ass! Literally. Hand to hand, with a gun, with an improvised weapon, Daniel Craig's Bond could kill any of the other Bonds. That makes him easily the most believable as a cold blooded spy. Look at the body count in his movies! If you are interested in comparing all the movie Bonds you should check out the following link. It's pretty cool! Shout out thank you to Mike McLaughlin for telling me about it!



http://www.swiftfilm.com/which-bond-slept-with-the-most-women-killed-the-most-bad-guys-and-drank-the-most-martinis/

I liked being able to compare the various Bonds to each other on the most important criteria - but it should be noted that those numbers do not include Craig's tallies from Skyfall, I do believe it is safe to say that with those additions and the probable additions of Craig's future 007 films he should outdo all of the other Bonds before he is done.

3. Probably the biggest and best reason that I consider Craig the best Bond is character development. You are probably familiar with the ideas of flat and round characters. Flat characters are characters which do not undergo any substantial change or growth throughout the story. They are two-dimensional, always same, predictable, and are usually minor characters because they are less developed. Round characters are usually the main characters in a story. A round character is one which encounters struggles and challenges and not only confronts them but is changed by them. Daniel Craig's Bond is a round character, while I would consider the other movie Bonds to be a bit flat. I like my Bond on the round side.

4. Daniel Craig is the best jerk- and you love him for it! He is cool, detached, and effective.


Of course I realize that there are good arguments on the opposing side for why Craig is not the best Bond. In the interest of fairness these really should be addressed as well. There are really only two plausible reasons I can think of for not preferring Daniel Craig as 007.

1. Daniel Craig is not as suave as some of the other Bonds, particularly Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan. I can't really argue, they are both exceptionally charming and suave. In fact, I'm not sure it's humanly possible for ANYONE to be more suave than Sean Connery as James Bond. But as woman, I find Daniel Craig sufficiently charming, and anything he may lack in charm he makes up for in other important and attractive qualities.

2. Purists may not approve of Craig's Bond because it doesn't fit with their interpretation of the character as written in Ian Fleming's books. In order to weigh in on this fairly I decided to read Casino Royale yesterday. It was was fairly short so I was able to get through it in an afternoon. Uncharacteristically, I have to say I prefer the movie to book (we can probably give Craig some of the credit for that). The descriptions of Bond in the book don't strictly fit Daniel Craig (except the description of his eyes which I feel is spot on with my thoughts on Daniel Craig's eyes seen above). Fleming's Bond has dark hair. He is slighter than Daniel Craig and (to my interpretation) less attractive. But emotionally I feel Craig is as good of a fit for Fleming's famous character as any other character who has taken the role.


So there you have it! Take my opinions for what they're worth, but remember this: the things that makes the character 007 so timeless and so awesome is the same things that makes him a jerk. That is what keeps us coming back for more. If you haven't seen Skyfall you really should! It's my favourite film of the year.

If you want to weigh in on this please leave a comment, and feel free to take the poll this week to vote for your favourite Bond!

Douchism for Dummies!

This is a very special post. Today I have guest blogger. That's right! Someone actually reads my blog and was willing to contribute his own thoughts. It’s an old friend of mine, Nick Hubbard. Nick and I are friends from a simpler time in life when we were both probably a lot nicer (despite what Nick may tell you). My how things have changed…

Nick is going to share with us some insights on douche bags, specifically how to be one. Of course, there is a wide difference between being a jerk and being a douche bag- maybe we’ll talk about that sometime- but in the meantime I hope you’ll enjoy Nick’s post as much as I did! I have asked Nick to include a quick jerk bio to help you understand what kind of a jerk he is. So without further adieu - Nick!!

Thank you Eileen for the opportunity to guest blog for you!

My name is Nick Hubbard and I'm a jerk. I've been a jerk my whole life except for maybe my first waking breaths until I figured out I wasn't in my mother's womb anymore. My jerkiness manifests itself in the form of extreme cynicism so I guess you could say I'm more of a "glass broken on the floor with spilled Mountain Dew all over the floor and a mess to clean up" sort of guy. I would say that the "jerk" gene is a mutated form of the "ass-hole" gene which is our family's version of male pattern baldness. One time in high school a girl asked me why I was such a jerk. I told her I didn't know. She never talked to me again. True story. There you have it. I'm a jerk and proud of it!

Now, let's get down to business!

Today's entry is on how to be a douche bag! No, I am not referring to the kind that you buy at the pharmacy, although some of the similarities are quite striking. So yes, I'm talking about the brand of douche that makes us all wish we could be as cool as he thinks he is.

Just to be clear, I will be using douche and douche bag interchangeably, although I concede to the point that there are varying yet subtle differences such as being a Yankee's fan vs. a Raider's fan.

The number one thing you gotta have in order to be a first class doucher is a bad attitude. Cynicism won't cut it here. It's all about you. You always control the conversation by projecting your misguided and selfish outlook. You consistently 1-up every accomplishment and you resent and make fun of everyone who comes up short of your glory. Any threat to your status is worthy of a stare down of maximum proportions. Making a scene in front of lots of people is always good too, especially when you're making an example of someone else or making yourself look waaaay better than everyone else.

You have a job or family money, but you want to go back to school, or maybe you're in school but you are sort of "in between majors." You're just waiting for the right opportunity because it hasn't happened yet for the last 6 years since high school.

In order to fit in with your newly founded douch-a-Rama of a self you must also quit showering and wear excess amounts of Axe body spray. This way, you will definitely be a hit with the ladies because who can resist the odor of a French whore house with overtones of grotesque body odor?! Don't discard all your toiletries however, as a quick shower every now and again never hurt anyone, except maybe your ego because you had to actually do something today, instead of playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live with a bunch of 12-year olds. You will need to shave maybe once every 2 weeks and then hide from everyone until your stubble starts to show. This is an important image you're trying to project, so attention to every detail of self-indulgent laziness is a must. Trimming your beard into a pencil beard is always fun too.

Now this brings us to attire. A tricky subject because while your personal hygiene will suffer, you have to make it look like you take care of yourself. Therefore, always buy the most expensive, oversized, designer clothes, preferably with illegible corporate logos stitched or silk-screened onto your pants and shirts. While around the house, wear nothing but dirty wife beaters and pajama pants or boxers. See, the idea here is to not wear your expensive clothes to get them dirty around the house, which by the way is a complete disaster because you're too cool to clean up. Now your wardrobe must have New York Yankees attire. To epitomize the stereotype, you need to get at least one (preferably more), mint condition stiff brimmed Yankees baseball cap with original tags and stickers. Your shoes should be white and absolutely perfect. If they get scuffed, throw them away and steal or buy another pair. Your attire will scream "Hey look! I'm a douche!!"

Your vehicle is the ultimate compensation for your lack of self awareness. More is more and bigger is better when it comes to your transportation. Your vehicle should be a late-model jacked up pickup truck with a 6+ inch lift and huge off-road tires. Now who in their right mind would get this $50,000 beaut dirty?! You got it, not you! Therefore, at all costs you must keep your most prized possession free from dirt and dust by having it detailed every waking chance so you can pick up all the hot chicks at the local bar scene. Take no intention in taking this king of the road off asphalt, as too much of your Dad's hard earned money went into creating the monstrosity that it is. Go ahead and wear those $600 tires (each) out in 6 months by driving like a maniac on the interstate while supporting your community gas station at 8 miles per gallon and sucking down Red Bull like it's Red Bull.

Lastly, your company says a lot about you. You should always "hang out" and "chill" whenever possible to avoid actually doing something useful. Your friends share the same "I don't give a flying *expletive*) attitude as you, but since you're on the same wavelength, everything's cool unless you're out of beer. In that case, send your smokin' hot girlfriend to the convenient store for some Bud Light and Heineken. Also, don't forget to treat your loved ones like doormats. They seems to always love that.

There you have it! How to be a douche bag. Of course, being a douche bag isn't limited to the scope of this entry, and there are thousands of ways you can be a more douche-baggery you. Just get creative by stealing others' ideas on how to look and act cool so the rest of the world can see how respected you really are!

That's it for today! Special thanks to Nick for the awesome post, it was filled with jerky goodness. If you have any thoughts about today's post or about douche bags, let's hear them. Leave a comment!

Halloween Costume Ideas

Halloween is probably the most sexist of American holidays. It's like a free pass night for all women to dress like prostitutes without feeling slutty and all men to dress like tools without being offensive. The reality, of course, is that they are both slutty and offensive without acknowledging the fact.

Let's talk about women's costumes first. I haven't included images because I know you all know exactly what I'm talking about and have seen it for yourselves. Who knew that so many sweet and innocent childhood memories could be turned so slutty? Some of the most personally saddening trampy get-ups I have seen include:

Slutty Bumblebee
Slutty Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz
Slutty Nun
Slutty Angel
Slutty Raggedy Ann
Slutty Little Red Riding Hood
Slutty School Girl (that's just too pervy)
The list goes on...

But when it comes to tasteless costumes men most certainly have their share. The ones with perpendicular objects and strategically placed signs are a particular favourite. I would bet some serious money that these guys (whose images I don't own) aren't getting tricked OR treated on Halloween night.

Speaking of horrible couples costumes - there are an abundance of them available! You can buy tacky and/or socially uncomfortable costumes, or just create your own. I wish I knew what it is that possesses some couples to think that dressing up like giant babies, Adam & Eve, and other such awkward pairings.

Those are some of my thoughts on Halloween costumes. At the very least, perhaps you have gotten some terrible ideas for costumes that you can use this Wednesday.

How To Make Enemies: In the Work Place

We spend roughly one third of our adult lives at work. Is there a better place to place enemies? Probably not. So if you are looking to make people hate you, here are some ways that I have found very effective in the professional world.

Harass them with high fives.
Nothing will make people avoid you more than obligating them into unwanted physical contact. People won't be able to turn you down without looking like a jerk (which no one wants) so pretty soon people will go out of their way to stay out of your sight... and reach.

Peddle products.
Cookies, pop corn, Mary Kay. People can't turn you down without feeling like a jerk for not helping out the Boy Scouts, or Girl Scouts, or whatever extra curricular activity your kids are involved in.

Whistle while you work.
Pretend it's American Idol. You should probably start out by whistling or humming softly and with any luck you will be singing at normal volume before long. The best part of performing to an unwilling audience at work is that they are captive! With nowhere to go, they may grow to loathe you more with every song.

Take a dip in the office dating pool.
We've all fallen into the trap of thinking that a harmless work romance couldn't possibly end on bad terms, and yet they almost always do.

Push your way into private conversations.
You all know how much I love eavesdropping, but you cross all kinds of lines when go from listening to conversations, to jumping right in. You will be amazed at how quickly people stop talking anywhere near you when you poach your way into their private chats.

Help yourself to snacks.
Think of your work environment as a big happy family where everything is shared. So if you see a tasty snack on a neighbor's desk or in the break room fridge think of it as community property.


So there you have it! Tomorrow is the start of a new workweek so go forth and try these new tactics out! Have a jerky week everyone!!

Why I hate my generation: Alfred Hitchcock

This is a rant. If you don't want to hear my completely biased and overly harsh judgments of the complete strangers I saw tonight then please feel free not to read further.

Tonight I went to see TCM's special 50th Anniversary screening of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds at a local movie theatre. I went with my sister Kelsey who is also a classic film enthusiast and has a great appreciation for Alfred Hitchcock. If you don't know going into this that Alfred Hitchcock is one of the greatest directors in the history of film and is the King of Suspense, then you should stop reading now. You should also probably not mention your ignorance of this to me, as it may alter our friendship.

The movie theatre was mostly empty, and we got excellent seats. The film itself was everything we remembered, and we loved it! Well worth paying $11.50 to see it on the big screen. Since it was a small crowd, I naturally assumed we were in the company of other connoisseurs. As it turned out, we were in the presence of Philistines.

Without spoiling the plot for you (in case this post has somehow inspired you enjoy the classic for the first time yourself) I believe I may say that the movie ends on a bit cliff hanger. Once the movie ended, we learned that apparently many of the people in the theatre had not seen it before, because they didn't know that it was over. Don't ask me why any of those people (who apparently had no appreciation for classic film as you will soon see) paid $11.50 to see this movie for the first time. People seemed disappointed, and confused as to whether or not it was over. Hint: When a movie shows the Studio's logo and then the screen goes black after a movie - it's over. And since this is a classic movie, there are no gag reels, no fake endings, no credits - we saw those in the beginning of the film, remember? One dear, dimwitted lady even went to the trouble of fetching one of the theatre workers to see if there was something wrong with the movie because she was certain it couldn't be over. She was, of course, wrong.... and stupid.

Far worse though, were the people who actually had the nerve to complain about the movie. To cast derisive judgments on the Alfred Hitchcock's Oscar nominated masterpiece of film! It's brilliant! It does just what a suspense movie is supposed to do, it keeps you on the edge of your seat, it keeps you guessing - even at the end. Does it move slower than today's cookie cutter horror and action films? Yes, you spend a lot of time waiting - that's what SUSPENSE means! Idiots! I'm sorry that you were raised in the age of instant gratification and have not the patience, nor the intelligence to appreciate something that isn't spoon fed to you and coated in cine-candy. 

Granted, parts of the movie are a bit outdated, or maybe even laughable. It was made in 1963 and has phenomenal effects considering the limited technology available during production. Also, there is intentional humour because Hitchcock, like all great film makers, knows that some relief is necessary in a suspense. But the whole thing is brilliantly done. The brilliance is apparently somehow lost on the morons of my generation.

One particularly obtuse young woman laughed at the end, and in a befuddled tone said, "What? Well I guess the moral is now I know what to do if birds attack. *giggle, *giggle." 

Someone should tell her:

1. That's not what a moral is. 

2. You're an idiot!

What was she even doing there? When we heard her talking after the movie Kelsey and I had to fight back the urge to get up in her face. When you insult the genius of Alfred Hitchcock, you incur the wrath of Dobbins. I had to pull Kelsey back and keep telling her to walk away. That hooker is lucky that we didn't have a flock of birds to unleash on her!

This is why I am very selective of the company I bring with me to an event like this. I don't cast my pearls before swine! If I had invited a friend to this movie and they didn't appreciate the brilliance of it, our friendship would simply NOT have been the same. If you can't appreciate film that has stood the test of time and remains as relevant and scintillating today as the day it was made, it's better that you not tell me. Because once I know that, I can't value your taste any longer. I can respect you as a person, but things will never be the same between us. 

I think I've said enough. If any of you are still reading I hope you are not offended, but even more I hope you are not a stupid Philistine!

PS - During the movie one person clapped. I glared at them in the dark and cursed them under my breath, but afterwards I forgave them because at least THEY were appreciating what they were watching.

How to Make Enemies: At the Movie Theatre.

Are you tired of trying to make friends and ready to make some enemies? Have you ever wished for more opportunities to offend people? If so, this new segment of the blog is intended especially for jerks like you. I am calling it "How to Make Enemies", and each "How to Make Enemies" portion will provide helpful tips for jerkness in day to day life. Today we are focusing on movie etiquette, in particular, how to make people hate you while watching a movie in the theatre.

Talking
This one should be fairly obvious, but it's worth discussing just the same. People HATE it when you talk during movies. It's rude, it's selfish, it's obnoxious, and it's sure to win you some enemies. This is particularly effective in the theatre where those around have actually paid their hard earned cash to watch. If you persist on talking through the movie (even after being hushed) you can be pretty confident that your neighbors will be wishing your immediate demise before the end of the feature.

Babies
Of course, there is always the chance that you will not be able to generate enough noise to be sufficiantly annoying on your own, in which case I recommend bringing along a baby (if you have one handy). You may certainly depend upon a baby soiling itself, and crying during a long, and loud movie. Your neighbors will appreciate neither the aroma, nor the commotion. If you're lucky there's a good chance that the baby is going to be miffed with you as well.

Phones
If you want to make a genuine ass out of yourself at a movie theatre then what could be more fitting than to ignore the 20 different warnings shown on the big screen right before you movie starts? Go ahead, leave your phone on, feel free to text! Your lack of common courtesy will be completely undefendable. Now THAT is a 1st class jerk move.

Kicking Back
Movies are long, so naturally you want to be comfortable. If you want to be comfortable during a movie then some would say that the obvious solution is to stay at home. For those of us to prefer to take the road less traveled, the solution is to kick back in the theatre as if it were our home. We spread out and put our feet up on the seat in front of us. This move is guaranteed to make the people seated in front of you absolutely loathe you, and also potentially get you in trouble with the theatre staff (happened to a friend of mine).


Up & Down / Musical Chairs
If none of the above tips have proven irritating enough to alienate your fellow movie goers then I have one sure-fire tip left for you: move around! Get up, sit down, get up again. Change seats, make countless bathroom trips (more than once per feature). It's nearly as disruptive for your neighbors as it is for you, and is sure to have them cursing you under their breath.

Bonus Irritant: Clapping
This apparently only annoys me, but you could also perform the senseless and obnoxious act of clapping after or during the movie. Clapping? Why clap for a movie? It's not like the performers can HEAR you. Who exactly are you clapping for??

In conclusion, it is my hope that you have found these ideas helpful in your quest for jerkship, and that you will be able to make many, many enemies. Stay tuned for more ways to make enemies.

Have you met my Olympic boyfriend?

First and foremost, I wanted to thank everyone who reads or has read or may ever read my blog. I am amazed that there are a few people who are willing to read my ranting ramblings. Maybe you just want to make fun of my opinions, maybe you are as sardonic as I am, or maybe you are looking for typos. Whatever the reason - bless you. I am excited to say that I am three views away from 1000, and I am hoping this quick post will put me there!

If you follow my Facebook feed at all then you know that I love Michael Phelps! He has so many things going for him: great smile, great physique, tons of awards, world and Olympic records, and more Olympic medals (and gold medals) than anybody else in history!
At the start of the Olympic games I was surprised to hear a lot trash talked about Michael Phelps. All the nay-sayers should be properly silenced now - and yet I still hear people bashing the strapping swimmer. What gives?

What's not to love?

Maybe I could understand it if these negative nancies were bitter losers from competing countries, but they aren't. They are Americans who are apparently lacking in national Olympic pride. I don't get it, I thought I was the jerk around here?!

The latest fuel for haters involves a Louis Vuitton photo shoot and some photos that were apparently leaked prematurely in violation of an Olympic rule (you can read about it here). Michael, I am confident, is without fault in the matter, but why are so many people anxious to jump on his case? We certainly love to see the mighty fail in this country. A few years ago he was America's darling, now a collection of losers would like to see him fall on his face. 

It sounds like sour grapes to me! What is it in human nature that makes it so we can't stand to see other people succeed? Michael Phelps has worked hard for his success, no need to be a jerk about him.

What your online dating profile is really telling me.

Recently a close friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) and I decided to give the whole online dating thing a shot. So we set up profiles on a few different sites to see what was out there. For my part, I was mostly curious about how the whole online courtship thing works. Let me tell you, I have not been disappointed!

I have already spent some hours of enjoyment perusing online profiles and making some critiques. Here are some of my interpretations of profile postings I have seen for your enjoyment!


"I enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy." = You are secretly a woman.

"I'm really funny and have a great sense of humor." - Says who? If you're funny, say something funny. Don't tell me how funny you are, that's not humorous.


"I don't think a person can be described in a few paragraphs. If you want to get to know me, send me a message." = You have nothing interesting to say for yourself and are hoping your picture will be enough to attract someone (spoiler alert: it won't be).


"I am not book smart, but I am street smart." = You are illiterate.


"I can't stand people who are fake or dishonest." = You have real trust issues.


"I'll tell you later about my spirituality." = You're not religious.



You are wearing sunglasses in all of your pictures.  = You smoke a lot of weed.


You took your picture in the bathroom mirror with your phone. = You are a slutty 14 year old girl at heart.


You use the wrong "to" "too" or "two" more than once. = You never read the language you speak.


These are just some of the observations I have made. I'm sure there will be more to come :)

Losing is for losers.

I am a bad loser. The company I work for threw a summer party at an amusement park this weekend. It was really fun. After lunch we had a big raffle with lots of cool prizes. I didn't win any prizes, and I hate everyone who did! Just kidding.... mostly. I don't like losing :-(

Despite the fact that I hate losing, I still love competition. When people say they want to play a game but "not keep score" I want to punch them in the face! If we're not going to keep score then what is the point of playing?? How do we know when the game is over?? How do we know who wins?? I don't want to play with people who aren't keeping score, they're no fun. 

Of course, I don't expect to win every time, but I am sure as hell going to try! And you can expect that unless we are competing at something for which I am at an obvious disadvantage (golf, tennis, etc.), I expect to win. If I don't win, I am going to be upset for a while. I'll get over it, but I am going to hate you just a little bit for just a little while.

If that makes me a jerk - so be it!